Apifera Farm - where art, story, animals & woman merge. Home to artist Katherine Dunn

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Thursday, April 13, 2017

Yea, I guess you can't hide the blues but I'm shining my glasses now

The friends reconnected on a spring day
A good friend sent me a note and said she could sense in some of my posts of the past few weeks there was a tinge of the blues coming through my words. True.

I am so transparent.

It's true. I had the blues, or the blahs, or the stumbles. It sort of crept up on me and was due to a combination of events. Weather in March was a drag after a warm [we thought] late winter and I think that triggered some memories and questioning about where I was, physically. We got hit by surprise taxes-I won't go into details, but I am seeking a new accountant for next year. The latter will be rectified, in time, and it will be okay. But that was made worse because my sales were zilch for March, and Martyn was still not working. When I don't sell, for a month, it effects my confidence. I can't deny it, after 20+ years as a freelancer, no sales makes me question my self in so many ways. I don't need a life coach to tell me why, or how to get out of it, it is just part of the ebb and flow of freelancing.
We were also having some issues with a nearby property and everything just seemed doomed.

BUT! The sun came out, the sheering day lifted me up, Martyn is back to working full time until winter, and I sold some of our wool which made me happy.

I don't like to use my blog as a way to vent, I think long time readers can attest to that. But at the same time, I think it's good to come clean every now and then...we are a tribe of humans forging forth, or trying, day by day. I did a painting once of a little tree, branches limp, leaves gone, stating, "Even trees get sad."

Last night I had a dream-a recurring theme-that I was floating over what was supposed to be our old farm in Oregon. I was thinking, in the dream,

Maybe we can get out of the deal, and stay, but I know this was improbable.

I had a moment like that, a year ago this week, when the first buyer's finances finally fell through, and I wondered if we should just stop, and wait for another time. It would have meant losing a lot of money, some that was paid to haul the horses and was non refundable, deposits on moving vans and the house in Maine we were trying to buy. I remember that moment–it was very physical- and it is always a time to ask,

Is this real, or is this the jitters?

Martyn had already given notice to his clients, we had bought the new trailer to haul the 32 animals...and we forged ahead.

People ask me,

"Are you happy there, in Maine?"

I am happy. We've met so many good people, and Martyn is thrilled with his new landscaping gig. The fiber people have been wonderful and if someone said we had to leave Maine, I would be upset to leave some people, that's how quickly we've attached ourselves to some people. I feel like the me in Maine is starting to form, or reform I should say because parts of me are still here, other parts are waning. A few weeks ago, in my blues, I took a step back, and I pressed the pause button on some things I had been planning to do: I cancelled the bee order, realizing I have enough on my plate and I want to focus on my flock/fiber, and the animals, and creating our gardens. I also put my workshops on hold-or at least I am only offering custom workshops for people that might contact me.

I did this because I realized it's time to "leave the flurry to the masses, and take my time and shine my glasses" [unknown author on that quote]. For once in a long time, I am really listening and waiting for the flow to come to me, instead of throwing myself into the flow and swimming fast.


Anonymous said...

I can so relate to your last line, Katherine, "For once in a long time, I am really listening and waiting for the flow to come to me, instead of throwing myself into the flow and swimming fast." It reminds me of that over-used quote, "What doesn't kill us, makes us strong." It also makes us wise, and makes us slow down a bit and steer differently...from within. It can all be such a difficult learning in a culture that keeps hurrying us along to make, do, achieve, get. Good for you!...and still nervous-making until we really get the hang of it... ♡

Sharon Stanley said...

katherine you are so wise you just give yourself some space and time to settle. i think sometimes after something big (like your move) we think we have to immediately feel great or ready to take on the world and all sorts of new projects. truth told, it might just be the worst time for such. the older we get the longer adjustments take, even really good ones. we get so caught up in the business of being busy, we don't settle properly. take the time. enjoy the animals and projects you're already committed to. and when the time is right, you'll be set to start something new. love you!

lishofmann said...

Thank you for this post ... I know you KNOW it has been a rough season for me with the blues one of several ailments. What I have learned (grudgingly I might add) is that I have the capacity to begin a new over and over. It is figuring out the moves, the gestures that help me keep in alignment with deep joy and hope and curiosity. Allowing myself spaciousness in my life has been key. Well. I suppose I didn't allow so much as life stripped me down! Listening and allowing the flow to come to me ... yes, yes yes! xo

Carole Reid said...

As my dad always says "this too shall pass and you'll be as green as the grass on the other side". And "don't be saddish, have a radish". Both not very helpful when in the midst of blues but if repeated two or three times a day it might bring a giggle to you and Martyn. xo

Katherine Dunn/Apifera Farm said...

what's cool is the minute I gave myself permission to do the waiting for the flow, the flow sort of presented itself again...[hence the new post today] BUT I love Don't be saddish, have a raddish"- Carole, that is a most worthy statement, thanks to you father!

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Thank you for reading! The farm and my art/writing keep me hopping, so might not respond immediately. Thank you for understanding. ~Katherine & Apifera ~