I turn 64 today. The sun is out. I saw my father at the window this morning-he came, as usual, as a single red cardinal. Moments later, my mother appeared, as a dove. So that was nice. I had made my mother's sturdy white cake with chocolate frosting a day ago, so I could take teeny bites all week. I just can't eat that much sugar and rarely do, but I thought of how many times my mother made that cake for me.
Then the power went out and it made my day feel upside down, but it came back on two hours later. Note to self: you have to get confidant turning the generator on.
I just feel sort of upside down today, unable to make simple decisions, like what should we have for dinner on my bday. Or what should I do today. I guess its the weight of Ukraine on my mind and heart. I don't know. I did this painting this past week, in honor of the little child that died. I wrote about it back then when she died she was in her pajama bottoms that had little unicorns on them, she and her parents were trying to get food. She died in ambulance, with her parents bloodied and weeping. It was all just so sad, and unnecessary, and unfair. Fuck Putin.
The painting honors the little girl, and I called it "In heaven the unicorn on her pajamas came to life and her belly button grew a sunflower".
Maybe I'll drive to the ocean and looked out at her. I don't know.
My much younger and sweet farrier says I don't look older than 50. I think I finally look my age. I think I looked younger than many for some time, probably because I don't smoke and I take care of my skin. But in the last year, I see photos and what I see in the mirror, I think it looks 64. It feels like 64 is closer to the next decade than the last. That's sobering. I have a lot to get done.
Happy birthday to me. I don't have to worry about being killed by bullets today. I just wish I could put an end to the madness.
By the way, I treated myself to a beautiful robin egg blue linen scarf from a small company in Lithuania called Sand Snow.