One foot in front of the other, we are retredding our soles

Morning broke over the herd, minus one

The beautiful sun shone over the herd this morning, sans Honey. We are not sad. We are just regrouping, retredding our soles. She would have suffered this winter. And we are relieved she will not.

This morning was a beautiful day. So was yesterday, old Honey's death day. We buried her in the back paddock. She was able to see her buddies in the next paddock, and she had some apples before the sedation was streamed into her. She went down fast. She did not fight it. Afterwards, al the equines were let in to smell her and inspect the grave. Boone spent the most time with her, smelling her open eye, her body...then he walked off.

This morning felt like a quiet relief. I say 'quiet' because the day after death there is sort of this feeling of relief, but also a tiredness. You don't realize how it can stress you out and it effects your body. I wasn't stressed about the decision, it was the right decision for her, but it is the 'knowing' it is coming, it is knowing you are responsible for her death. We did all we could do for her, she just could not put on weight. She was famished, I think, devouring 10# of food a day plus trying to eat hay which ended up in cigar spit outs since she had no teeth. Soaked alfalfa did not work either. She had minerals and teeth work and blood tests.

She was old and her body was done.

I told her that it was her journey day. I like to think of it that way, for her, for me and any loved one or loved creature. The leaf drops off a tree and travels, travels, travels, finally landing in a new spot, a new world, then gets blown a bit by the wind, and covered some day in rain as it decomposes into the dirt. It feeds a worm who tills the underworld. And that energy never dies, it just gets recycled over and over.

I hope to take tomorrow and just work with the ponies, setting up a beginning obstacle course, or at least some small jumps. I'm way behind on it, I've been talking about it for months. Talk is cheap. Captain Sparkle and The Teapot could use the fun, and discipline. I can't wait for the snow to do some pony runs.

Boone smells Honey's body before going off to graze

 

I'm not even sure how to title this

I am sorry to report that Luna was put down. Deep breath on this end. We can’t be 100% sure but we think it was a combination of a tumor or abscess -the lump in the side of her throat) combined with choke. I did some things right when I first noticed it on Thursday, and the next morning she seemed ok but on feeding again she had trouble so I called vet. We were looking at old pics of her and could see a slight lump and think maybe this had been starting a few months back and since she was eating ok I just did not notice. 

Luna and Luci weren’t handled much so I do not examine or touch them like I do Harry and Arlo. So..I learned some new things on any future events. My vet -always kind- said not to beat myself up-even if I had called sooner the idea we could have done surgery on her going into winter on a very old body was not really practical. But if anything happened with the others I would know to act sooner-or she gave me some tests I can do before I did call to help assess. We put her down in the paddock-one has to think about getting her body out-and everyone was there that she is used too-Earnest watched, White Dog assisted my vet , Luci and Arlo who came with Luna watched...Harry in the distance. Damn it

I have decided it is best I also share two pieces of information with you, now. Because I am open here about the bad and the good, withholding the sad things is not healthy for me. I just know it is hard on some followers, but that is not my responsibility to care take that, and it becomes a burden on my soul to hold things. But if you can't handle more sad, best read elsewhere today. Firstly, my beloved Mister Mosely is at the vet today after I discovered this weekend he has yellow skin. There is no scenario that will be presented to me after initial tests that will likely be good, but I am praying we will be able to treat him [and there are some treatments for some scenarios]. Mister Mosely is so special to me. He is the cat equivalent of Hughie the pug. I'll be honest and say...I'm a bit ticked off. But I'm trying to stay in the light. But, really, Mister Mosely? Why? And of course, there is no answer, and it isn't personal but I do not want this. It wasn't suppose to happen. 

Secondly, it has become crystal clear that the right thing to do for old Honey the horse is to euthenize her before winter. She came out of last winter thinner than fall and many vet evaluations over the spring-summer-fall, dentistry work, diet changes, additional supplements, she is not gaining, she is loosing. We've done photos too every month. She is 30+. It is time. She has hardly any muscle and I can see her getting weaker even though she is still a pistol in the herd. But she simply can not digest her food anymore. It would be cruel to make her go through winter. And even with 4 coats on her, she would suffer. I have done my best for her in this last year. But it is time. While I was unsure in summer, I have no doubts this is the right thing. That will happen next week. 

One of the reasons I want to tell this upfront is if you can't handle all the loss here, combined with the volatility of the country right now, I just don't want to bring anyone further down. But I want to share the reality of life here. What I want more than anything is to help Mister Mosely. Entering the house without him was horrible. He and I are very bonded. He started acting a bit off a week ago, so I weighed him and he'd lost a pound. I made a health check up for next week. But then I found the yellow skin and was able to get squeezed in today with my vet [thank you!]. But now when I look back over the past days, the way he was looking at me did feel different. He was telling me he needed help. The car ride over, he was purring and content–that's so like him. I will do whatever I can for him. 

People ask how I can go through loss after loss. Sometimes, I can't. This one....this one might explode me. One thing I've learned about myself, since I am an optimist, is I tend to just keep going in a crisis, buck it up, but often I carry that around without sharing the load. Of course I tell Martyn, but I am the one that makes the final decisions, I am the caretaker and executioner. I am the one who walks around for the next coming days knowing I am going to put an animal down, and even though it is the right decision, it can eat away at you. I often crash the next day and have palpitations or a headache and realize how the holding it in can cause physical illness. I have begun to dance again to relieve stress, and deep breathing too.

I told Mister Mosely as we left, "Don't worry, I'll do the worrying." And I just sort of stopped in my tracks, and thought, man...I need some worry co-pilots I think. So that is why I'm telling you this. You can watch all the free videos of Pickles and Harry and songs and donkeys and joy but you also get a free look into the hard stuff and that goes with it.

The old horse

Old Honey gets a brushing during shedding season

I had put weight on old Honey after her arrival last October and was feeling good about that. But around February I could see her weight was down. We did a Cushings test last week when the vet came and I suspect she has it. If not, I think we will just see how she does with some changes to her diet. I thought I was giving her enough-she has bad teeth, many were pulled on her arrival-so I had added soaked alfalfa pellets in her feed for fat. It seemed to be working until it wasn't. The vet had me up her intake by another 2#.

I don't know how long we will be able to keep her going. We know she is at least 28 but we suspect she might be over 30. I will not put her through another winter if we can't get weight on her. I also notice some muscle wasting. It can be a very hard call to put an equine down. I know the last owner struggled with it, which is why she is here-they were older and had medical issues, but the owner felt Honey still had some life in her and felt she couldn't do it-it was eating her up. When I met Honey, I agreed she had some life and took her on. She is a sweet girl, she isn't any trouble and she talks in little whinnies which is sweet.

She is here and safe in the herd and enjoying sun and warmer weather. She loves to be brushed this time of year, as you can see it is shedding season.

One of the reasons for the current Spring Fundrasier is to gather funds to cover the $1300 vet bill of last week, plus more funds for future teeth work we will do on the equines. Thank you to everyone who has helped. Three of my art prints will be given away too. You can always donate here too on the blog and I will add your name into the bucket for the print give away.

The Fundraiser ends May 15.

Acquire an animal versus helping an animal

I have a sentence tacked to my office wall: "Are you acquiring an animal, or are you helping an animal? Does this animal work with your mission or does it simply give you a rush of excitement of something new"

I wrote this while I was struggling with the decision of taking on another equine, which in the end I did. It would be easy to fill the farm up with animals. Over the 15+ years I've been doing this, I've seen others take too much on, or for misguided reasons [this of course was my take on their choices]. I think that is another reason adopting Honey in took me some time to consider it. I know I did the right thing for her, and for Apifera and our mission. But, I get a lot of requests and that sentence helps me stop and consider our mission here. I am not a rescue that rehomes animals, I am no a petting zoo, and while we do take on some youngsters, those youngsters [ie Opie] fit into our mission of animal work and therapy. I can't be everything to everyone. I am on a mission. I like to think its selfless. Maybe that's arrogant sounding. But I do ponder things deeply.

I guess my pink bubble suit had a tiny leak...

I was recently contacted by someone who was having health issues, as was her husband. In fact, they were diagnosed with muscular dystrophy, and their adult son died of it two years ago. Times were difficult and getting harder both physically and financially. She left me a message but the cell phone was garbled. So I did not respond as there was no name or number or clear message. About a week later they showed up unannounced at my gate. You all know I frown on pop-ins, but even though I was already in for the afternoon, in my pj bottoms, I looked out and saw them, a couple in their 70's, and figured it might be them. When I opened the gate I was confronted by their sad story, and it is sad. Getting old is hard enough even in the best circumstances but with added medical and financial issues, it is hard. There was emotion in her voice, and the man retreated to the car-because his condition did not allow him to stand long and it was painful. I felt they were genuine people.

Now, I was in no way wanting to take on another equine. Old Matilda will need my care, Boone is turning 22 and the ponies are old too. Equines come with foot care and teeth care and handling care. But I listened to her story, told her I probably could not help her out, but would try to help somehow. You see, the horse was 28, and they were faced with possibly putting her down. They wanted an answer soon for logistic reasons. I had my event coming up, and told her I would do my best to call her in a week.

That time came and went. I was overwhelmed with work, and then I got a bit of a flu or something. I did not call her. But she called me. We talked again. I tried in my head and heart to separate out what was her responsibility, and what my duty was to my animals and farm. I always ask myself with a new animal: am I helping the animal or is it simply an animal acquisition. The woman had a bad experience years ago, where she rehired a horse and in a round about way, it was sold, and then sold for meat. She did not want that to happen. I assured her that would not happen here, but that I could say yes or no at this point to taking the horse. And I wanted to make sure in my mind, that maybe the horse did need to be put down.

There are worse things than putting your old horse down, one you have cared for for over 20 years. The horse had been bought when she was about 8, she was now 28. The woman felt she was being an executioner, because the only reason she was considering euthanasia was because she herself was not healthy. But the process was dragging on and it was clearly causing strife in the household.

So...I went over on Sunday to see the horse, telling her I wasn't sure I could help. I went over with open eyes, trying to investigate all the facts and feel for the real story. I'm not saying anyone was misleading me, I just had on my pink bubble suit-again, what was my responsibility if anything to this animal, and this person.

The horse was clearly old. Sometimes people tell me an animal is old but it really isn't, they just want me to take it. The horse was quite calm, and seemed to like me immediately. I mean, I felt an instant call out from her, like, "Can you help?". I found lots of tick bites and embedded ticks. The woman had been unable to tend to the horse for awhile. I helped her get the ticks out. I don't want to give too many details, but I felt I needed to adopt her. So I said I would. They had been doing the best for the horse that they could in their situation. And the horse is not thin.

We went to get her yesterday. I have more to say on this but not now, to be honest, I just need to...not feel what I felt yesterday for awhile. I just want to get to know Honey, the new addition to Apifera. After the night in a paddock where she had nose visits with equines, I let her out with Luna and Lucy and she has the equines in the other pasture to visit at the fence. The vet is coming this week. I'm betting she has Cushings judging by her coat. Her feet have been cared for but she will need updated shots and a teeth check.

She is settling in. But there is mystery to this story, I know, I just don't want to explore that here, in writing. I'm happy we can help her, and help an older couple who clearly need help. It was a good fit for our mission which also swayed me. The woman was still concerned that if something went wrong, or changed, that the horse would not be sold. I had given her a specific contract stating everything to reassure her, but she still brought it up as we were loading the horse. I was losing some patience as I'd spent a lot of time on the entire situation, and listened over and over to her story, which was truly sad. And it could be any of us, at any time.

Martyn and I were both feeling drained from the experience. There were a lot of angles to this story that have nothing to do with a horse, but instead, with life, and aging, and family, and the luck of the draw...My feeling as I sipped my wine by the fire was...I just want to be me now, at this age now, for this time now...and be old when I'm old. I felt I got washed over with someone else's age and sadness and hard times...even though I had on my pink bubble suit [it must have had a leak].