Burial: a farewell evolves

Burial is an important ritual to partake in with my animal work. Until the body is in the ground, everything feels unbalanced. Moose was put down on Friday, a hot, humid day. I knew where we'd bury him but had to wait for Martyn to help with the grave. So Moose resided in the feed room. Every morning I'd open the door and there was his little body at rest. It was always sort of a surprise...oh yea, Moose is dead.

So today we were able to put him to rest. I laid a daisy on the dirt. I like to be the one that places the body in if I can, and place their head properly.

It just feels better when you know they are safe, in the ground, they are on their way to feed the worms and the spirit is completely free. It must be horrible to not have a body of a loved one that dies in war or other circumstances. I would think it hinders the realization the person is truly dead. I've seen so many dead animals now that it just is part of my moving forward with my work. I also know that not being there for an animal if they are put down is something I never want to do again. With my first cat, Gracie, I chose to let my vet put her down but I was afraid to be there. It was the first animal I owned as an adult and Gracie had been with me for 18 years. I got her at a shelter in NYC and she lived all over with me. I was a different person then, death was much more of an intangible 'thing' that wasn't comfortable to think of. I loved my vet and it is not that what I did was cruel, it just was something that did not help me in my grief, to not have been with her. It did not help me visualize her reality-that she was gone.

Farming out west for 14 years was one of the biggest gifts I have had in my life. It taught me so much about where I stand within the earth, the food chain and it taught me about my own boundaries with animals. There were conflicts I had with raising sheep, I wrote at length about it back then and have no need to rehash it all. But I would never trade any of those experiences, it all brought me to this point, where I continue to learn not only about other spirits and creatures, but about myself.

But I would trade a day to go back and be with Gracie on her final day.

Perhaps she looks down from time to time and acknowledges I just wasn't coded then to handle it.

Goodbye Moose....

Taken last night...the last photo of Moose

I had to say goodbye to a friend today. Moose is gone. On the one hand I’m relieved for him, on the other it is sad it came to this. Once a spitfire of a little goat, he got through goat polio in March but was never quite the same even though he responded to treatment. Then two weeks ago it was like he relapsed and we treated him again but he did not improve. He was neurologically damaged somehow unable to do basic things like eat, backup, drink normal and he was constantly grinding teeth a sign of pain. He gets stuck in corners because he couldn’t figure out how to back up. My vet and I assessed it all and we had run out of realistic options.He might have had a brain tumor that was causing the symptoms. So I let him go. It was sad.

Moose came to me as a baby...my mother had died and I wanted a baby goat in the mix that would grow old with me...so I secretly found one, and at the same time Martyn found one for me. Moose was born on my bday and Goose was born on Martyn’s. Moose was such a personality that his last months were hard to watch. The herd knew he was damaged and he was getting pushed around a bit more. We put him down outside under the lilac. I sat with for awhile after he died...and I noticed that the goats were not that interested in viewing the body as is the ritual here. I really think they knew days ago Moose has already left...he was not the Moose they had known. He is pain free for that I am relieved

Can I breathe a sigh of relief now?

Free at last

It has been an actively healing week, but healing is an action and it required a lot of my time and energy. I was relieved I was partaking in healing versus another burial. I really thought Moose was dying Monday, and he would have if my vet didn't come asap as she did [thankful]. That was Monday and today after days of thiamine {we treated him for goat polio which has nothing to do with polio but it is a thiamine deficiency and causes trouble in the rumen and elsewhere} he seems to be doing pretty well. In fact last night I tried to hold and hug him as I have been during his recovery, and he pushed away-a sign the old Moose is back, or reappearing. I am glad for that. Moose has never been a hugger.

On top of that, White Dog got his stitches out on Monday and was free at last to lie in his favorite coat-The Snow. He was so happy to be outside. My vet and I can not imagine him opening it up again, and so far it seems fine and he is not even messing with it.

On Wednesday, Martyn had a birthday and took the day off. It was also Goose the goat's birthday. Goose has been keeping Moose company in the healing suite. He is such a good little chap. He still gives me kisses. I took the birthday boy, sans the birthday goat, out to lunch to Eider's and ran into Remy's to buy him socks. Woohoo! We live everyday like a celebration-good food and drink, sleep, laughter-so it was a nice day.

I was doing chores this morning and watched White Dog go bursting out of the barn to run free. We almost lost him. Just a tish and an artery would have been cut. It's the what if that keeps coming back. I don't dwell on it, but White Dog is one of those spirits that is very strong, and the thought of him gone is just upsetting.

The big wind and rain storm yesterday knocked out power early morning, just after I got all my water buckets filled in the barn-that is the little thing in a day that can make it seem like a good day, the water buckets got filled despite everything. The Wind was so HUGE. The Wind here is full oc ocean, you can just feel and hear it. It is both beautiful and terrifying to me. Out West the wind came from the mountain foothills where we lived, it was beautiful and powerful too, but for me it was more subtle.

I walked back to the house this morning, White dog at my side as he escorted me tot he middle gate-his boundary-and I thought,

I guess I can breathe now.

I think it will be okay for Moose, and White Dog. I think it will be okay.

Goose has been helping Moose

Moose seems to be doing very well after treatment

Moose: update

Moose last night at dinner

It was a rough morning. I found Moose in very bad shape, I really thought it was the beginning of what some vets call the death spiral. He had been doing really well.

When I last wrote here, Moose was showing improvements. We were thinking it was a possible concussion, which could have many side effects. He was showing some neuro issues. And he appeared blinded in one eye. Of course this all started on a Friday night so I had to cope on my own and I gave him my usual meds for upset rumen. He never had a high temperature [nor a low one] so that sort of ruled some things out. On Saturday morning, he was up and eating and looking 90% normal. This continued through Sunday, there were intermittent signs he was still struggling, but he even spent all day on Sunday out in the warm sun. I could tell he was blind because he hugged the fence line and walls.

So I was feeling pretty good, and relieved. This morning, he was clearly in a state of confusion, could not walk well, dopey, didn't eat...I was able to get my vet here because she was on her way to another town not too far away [grateful!]. I had misled myself a bit because there was never a high temp. And he was eating. This morning I went back to wondering if it could be polio, and it was the first thing I asked my vet, and she immediately felt it could be. Which means the treatments I gave were helping and keeping it at bay, but he needed larger doses of certain meds. We did an intravenous and an hour later he already seems improved. I hope we caught it in time. Of course it could be something else, or it could have been a concussion and then it led to upset rumen and polio symptoms...I guess weather changes can instigate it, which we've had.. He certainly isn't eating silage or anything moldy and we don't feed sweet feeds, nor is he using Corid which the sulfer can reak some havoc.

So, we will see. I'm grateful I could do what I could over the weekend. I will now have more of this supply around so if these symptoms happen again to someone, I will have learned about polio, which I've never had to deal with.

I hope he pulls through. He was eating when I left him, and by mid week we should see improvement if we are on the right track.

If anyone wants to donate to help offset the $395 vet bill, please do. I have art cards I will send to anyone donating $25 or more. I appreciate your help.

A sudden illness...a revival...and the healing is in the barn not the house

Moose last night

Last night at feedings. I found Moose in the barn, lying down, his head bent back, his eyes puffy and shut. He was not well. His mouth was warm, a good thing. He was trembling, not from cold but from illness. He was grinding his teeth, a sign of discomfort. I never jacket my goats unless they are very old or ill on very cold nights. Moose is not old, he is a healthy seven year old and has been with us since he was born. So I put two jackets on him and ran to the house for my regime I've been taught over the years by my vets.

Of course it was a weekend night, and no vet could be called, but I knew they'd do what I had done. His temperature was not that high. I moved him onto a sleeping bag, and gave him shots and pain/anti inflamatory meds, electrolytes and probiotics. He got up once, on his own, and stood in the same spot. I watched from the other corner. In about 2 minutes, he just sort of collapsed. I spent time with him, over an hour, calming him so his breathing slowed. I knew the pain med would help. My thought turned to fear as he could have been septic, he could have been blocked, neither are good.

I went into the hay area and The Goose was there. I held him, he curled his neck as geese do, into my neck and tucked his head into my coat. I love holding The Goose. I told The Goose I didn't want him to ever die, but "You will die, everyone here will die." I shed some tears, and The Goose went his way and I went mine. "Such drama," he must have thought.

I checked on Moose a few times into the night. He was the same. I went to bed preparing for the moment I opened the barn door to find him dead. But...he was up, walking, alert, his eyes wide open, and he was not stumbling. He ate, he drank, he wanted to go outside. I held him, or tried, but he was back to his normal 'Please don't hold me I am not your baby' mode. All good signs. His temp was okay.

Three hours later he seemed okay, but a bit off. I hope it was what it was and stays away.

I was admonished by a total stranger on social media for not bringing him in the house. I didn't bother to respond to her. I have many things to do here, and have learned silence is 99% of the time a better response to online animal police with opinions. The barn is many things-church, cafeteria, playground, sun room, triage room and a healing comfort for those that live, and die there. To die in the barn for me would be a blessing of a gift-to go out hearing the chewing of my mates, the smells, the light coming through the cracks of the walls...it is what Moose knows. Taking an animal out of its natural place to a human world-a world of harsher sounds and lights-is not healing. Moose does not want to be with me, he wants to be near Goose [the goat]. In fact when I checked in on him around noon today, there he was, in the corner with Goose.

Moose this morning

I'm an optimist...I can't imagine how the pessimists felt

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm already making my list for winter prep. But first did I mention that we actually felt Spring, right through our skin into our old bones? What a long awaited day we had this weekend, sun and sixties. Oh my, I told Martyn I wasn't sure I'd ever see and feel this kind of day again, and I'm an optimist so I can only imagine how the pessimists were doing this spring in New England.

I much prefer to know my animals can roam around, and this winter was hard on all of them with so much snow and ice, one storm after another.

But yesterday, that disappeared. We have hope again...at least until the flies arrive, and arrive they will.

I got so much done yesterday that it reminded me of my mother telling me when I was young I would work and play all day from sun up to sun down, and then collapse on arriving in the house. That's how yesterday felt, but what a blessing to feel warm but not hot, the breeze wasn't chilly, and just seeing the animals sun napping made me happy. We worked on the garden and the area where we plan to have our elder visits so that is all coming together.

But, warm weather is also the time to get things done for winter. Our road to the outer barn is very soggy in wet spring days, so come summer, I like to get the majority of our hay in, some 800+ bales this year were used, up from 600 due to the hard winter. I'd say we have a month supply left, but soon we will have the pastures open.

But I need to begin to collect money for hay for 2018-2019 winter and will have some hay fundraisers soon. It is always the biggest achievement to get the hay in the barn, it feels like you are really taking car of things, for the animals. I'm glad we found two good sources now for hay, a load off my mind. Hay was really tough to find when we first got here, and it is more expensive than out West so I was a bit agitated by it. But all is well.

We also will be doing a lot of tree work and hopefully clearing for more pastures. A huge undertaking. The third barn is beginning in June or July and there is lots of reorganization to do with fencing and such before that begins, and then it will all have to be arranged once the barn is built.

But for now, it's warm and sunny, and I'm going to focus on that today. I worked all weekend, going to give myself an hour with Boone, it will be or first work together since last fall. We have a lot to accomplish this summer, or I do, after our accident last year. I need to work on some things in that regard.

Man, woman and goats celebrate!

Martyn turns 59 tomorrow. And I turn 60 two weeks later. We have always made the two weeks between our birthdays, since we are the same age for that short time, something special. Well, not in diamonds and pearls or lavish dinners out, we just take extra time to acknowledge our blessings to be together, healthy and still rockin'.

It's a big birthday coming up for me, I guess. I've always had a good relationship with age. It's just a marker on the road. The important thing is I'm still moving and evolving. I'm getting more 'comfortable' with my aging as far as my appearance goes. I think leaving the old place for a new place allowed me somehow to step out of that perceived 'me' in my mind. When I moved to the old Apifera, I was only forty four, still all skin glowing and firm abs and arms. It has taken awhile after about age 57 or so to recognize myself!

I was thinking how, the sixties and onward are much more like the teenage years, in reverse. As a teen, we are anxious about our appearance, our bodies are riddled with hormones that create all sorts of outward and inner effects. Aging is like that for women too. I realized that it took me time as a teenager, and young twenty something to become comfortable with my own skin, inside and out. The last few years have been like that, and I'm beginning to ease into the new evolved me.

So, I'm making Martyn a Hummingbird Cake. We don't have a lot of sweets but when we do, it's homemade. We'll have a good meal like any night, he has said he wants to make mussels which I don't eat but he's the birthday guy.

Martyn shares his birthday with Goose, and I share my birthday with Moose. Having a birthday shared with a goat is fine by me. You might know the story-but I'll share it one more time. My mother had died in 2013, and I told Martyn I wanted to bring home a baby pygmy, because I always was adopting elderly goats, some who didn't live long, and I was sick of death. And without telling him, I found a little pygmy ready for a new home-that was Moose. And without telling me, Martyn found a little goat needing a home from one of his clients, that was Goose. When we found out they each shared one of our birthdays, while I of course said it was written in the stars.

And to honor our birthdays, we want to wrap up the barn fundraiser. We have about $3,500 to collect, and then our matching fund kicks in and we will have the main amount needed to build the third barn. I set up a fundraiser on Facebook and we have collected $400 in a day, so that is a wonderful way to start our birthday celebration! I'm so grateful. This is going to be a building year for Apifera, lots of things percolating here...you just watch!

You can send a birthday donation on Facebook, or here at the blog. Either way, it will be added into the total needed for the barn. It will be nice to have that one under our Misfit belts.

"You're a girl," said Moose

Sophie is our only female goat...at least until yesterday's new elder arrivals. Three new females now call themselves misfits, and it got the boys jazzed up. Of all of them, Moose was the most enthralled. Even though he was neutered early as a kid, Moose still seems to want everyone to know he is all male in his mind and heart. He runs around wagging his tongue a sign of foreplay to a goat, and so he was quite pleased that I finally brought home female Misfits.

I let the new arrivals sleep with Tripod last night and let Opie have a slumber party with the big boys last night. All went fine. But this morning I made further introductions, letting the as -of-yet-unanamed elders hang out with Moose, Goose, Wilbur, Earnest and Marcella. Marcella is very protective of her herd, so I introduced her to the arrivals first, which is how to work with a Maremma. I sat down with her, and petted the new goats letting Marcella sniff and see that I considered them allies, not threats.

I felt confidant all was well and left the stall and a few minutes later peeked over to check on everybody and caught this photo. Moose was clearly in deep conversation with the new elder arrival.

"You're a....girl," he said.

"Yes, I would think so, sort of, I'm a hermaphrodite to be concise," she said. "But don't think anything of it."

"You are beautiful like a cup of coco," Moose said.

"So are you," she said back.

"May I flap my tongue on you," Moose asked.

"Good heavens, no," she said.

Marcella watched the entire conversation making sure no harm was done.

Eventually the old girl turned away. She likes to stick her tongue out.

"You have a lovely tongue," said Moose.

It might be the beginning of a beautiful friendship....or not. We will see, it's up to them of course.