A blanket from the earth for Tony

I took this photo right after we brought Tony's body home. The fog had come in from the sea and it was almost like Earth was giving me a blanket for him before his burial. It was really beautiful.

"Mama Kitty is waiting for you, be off now, Big Tony..."

We had a sad goodbye last night. A thunderous one we knew was coming.

Big Tony was ready to take his solo walkabout after being with us all these many years, the father of so many Apifera cats. He lived a long life of twenty, eighteen with us.

It is a poignant death for us and it seems to come at a time when we're being reminded almost daily that life does not sit around in the past, it moves forward, and with that forward motion comes many things, including goodbyes. Tony had a magnificent life, let's not forget that. He arrived at the old Apifera, sauntering by me one day when we had first arrived, he barely acknowledged me and seemed to have no motive for being there-he was just cool as a cucumber. It was at the same time we discovered kittens falling [literally] from the hay bales. I set out to trap the kittens when they were old enough to be spayed and neutered, but could not catch the elusive mama. She would have another litter in short course, and it was only then I could catch her too. All the cats lived out their lives at Apifera, most living past ten.

But of all the cats I thought I'd catch first in the trap, I never thought it would be that big old tomcat. I had only seen him a few times, he came and went, but when I went out the first day to inspect my trap, there he lay, completely content sunning in the cage, his Star Kist tuna fresh in his belly. After we brought him back from the vet a day later, I let him out in the barn. It was only a matter of days before he started coming to the front porch. Back then, it was pretty wild and au naturelle at Apifera, we had no screens and bats, raccoons and birds would often find there way into the summer living room. So I guess Tony figured out it was a friendly place. I first brought him inside one night while Martyn sat watching television, figuring I'd warm him up to a cat in the house. Martyn had asthma and said we could never have a cat in the house, nor did he want one. Within a few days, Tony was sitting near Martyn on the couch, enjoying PBS News Hour. Big Tony was the icebreaker for the man who didn't want cats, and in adored a one pound kitten named Itty who slept under the covers with him. He also adored Tony, everyone did who knew him.

When he went to the vet-which was often in the early years-the staff would do their best Tony Soprano impersonations and yell out,

"Big Tony!"

We called him the Millionaire Dollar Cat back then because he had teeth work and stone work done, once leaving him in the hospital for ten days-donations from my followers helped me pay those bills, as well as spay/neuter and care for the clan of twenty five cats that lived in the barns.

Tony is a survivor. How many semi feral cats get to live bi coastal in their life-and let's not forget, he saw America in that six day journey across the States, while piglets slept under his perch.

Tony is symbolic to us in many ways, much like Huck was. He represents the beginnings of the first Apifera, the energy of the beginning there, and all the serendipity and magic that just happened by opening the front door. He fathered at least 10 cats, but for sure more. In fact, we think Samuel Noel was related to him.

Tony tolerated everything-vets, young kittens, puppies, goats, chickens...he was a cat's cat. He was not cloying, he was not a lap sitter. But he liked his people, and he liked our company. We encouraged him to get a paper route because his special food we had to buy him from Canada was $58/#18 bag. He never took us up on a part time job, but he was really good at retirement. As he aged, he softened even more and began to talk more, not a lot, just greetings at night in the bed. He began to sleep on my pillow, above my head at some point, and it required me to get more pillows for my own comfort. After we moved to Maine, after we suffered the jolting, unexpected loss of Itty who chose to stay behind, I found great comfort in Tony. At night, he would still sleep above my head, but I would find him with his head laying on my hand, and sometimes I'd sleep with my fingers wrapped around one paw. I told him back then, a year or more ago, when I was struggling through the story book I was creating about Itty, a painful time for me,

"I should be writing a book about you. You're still here." He responded with tail swishes-real slow and graceful swishes-and non blinking eyes.

he had a beautiful colored nose. I had tried to capture it by mixing up my paints, but never really captured it. Somethings can only be seen as they are in real life, not through a lens or a palette. How many mornings did I wake up and see that beautiful copper colored nose, the color of an autumn leaf not quite fully browned from age.

We knew this week we would have to put him down, but gave him some time hoping he might just fall asleep. I of all people should know better. As his conditioned weakened, we made the drive last night to help him on his way, not wanting him to have seizure or any discomfort.

I took these photos of him yesterday when we knew it was our last daylight together. He used to be a twenty pounder...His face showed a cat ready to rest eternally. His hind end had become very weak in the past days, so I carried him from the bed to his favorite basket. Muddy joined in, and Hughie came by too-it was not usual for me to be there in the day where we gathered at night, but they knew this was one of those occasions where quietness is preferred and something momentous was occurring, but this something was okay.

It would be okay.

I took another photo and when I looked at it, it was so beautiful, like the light I had let come down into the lens made his body begin to fade.

I'd been telling him all month, if you see Mama Kitty, don't worry about us, just go. I like to think of him and Mama reunited. This is the human in me. He might be doing nothing, or other things that are non of my business. When we used to get up in the morning, he'd have his breakfast, and then head out to the porch, where Mama would appear from the garden, and wrap her body and tail around him. He never showed affection to her in the same way, but he sat with her, and let her wrap around him. And she never allowed anyone to touch her, in fact, hardly anyone had ever seen her but me and Martyn.

Right before he went under at the vet's last night, I said two words to him,

"Mama Kitty."

We are the Insides

The Insides live in the house. You might know the story of Big Tony. When we arrived at the old farm in Oregon, there was a new litter of semi feels in the barn. Before I could trap the very industrious Mama Kitty-it took two years-she had another litter. The litters were all spayed and neutered, and continued to live out their lives at Apifera.

When I began trapping the cats, I never thought I'd land a 20 pounder the first day out. But there he was, lying contently in the trap, having just finished off the tuna that was placed their to entice him. He was charming and dignified throughout the entire transport to the vet for neutering. Within days of losing the responsibility of procreating, Big Tony made his way to the front porch, accompanied by several of his children. At the time, we had no indoor cat, just the dogs. Each night I'd casually alert Martyn that Big Tony was there, and each night I got him in the living room for longer and longer, until Martyn gave up and soon after Big Tony was sleeping in the bed. But not on my side. He liked Martyn's side.

It's the story that has repeated itself with Apifera cats, as it did years later with Itty Bitty.

So Big Tony is still with us in Maine. He is a complete grandpa now, losing weight off his backbone, but still able to jump. He has several favorite sleeping baskets in the sun, one in my office where he spends most of the day. But it is still Martyn he likes to attend to while we have our wine, or watch movies. He has a routine of putting his paws up stretched and staring into Martyn's eyes. Later, when I go to bed, he comes int to be with me and sleeps on my side of the bed now. Sometimes I wake with his paw on my hand.

The One Eyed Blind Pug II, aka Hughie and his chocolate sidekick have a very easy life, complete with beds by a fire, toast crust in the morning, and bowl licking at dinner. And now they have birds singing to them in the morning.

The Insides make daily life nicer.

Inside creatures

The house is less full without Huck, but I think of him often, and when I do, his face and that Lady Di look he would give me comes into my head; it is our current way of being together.

Muddy in some odd ways has taken on more of Huck's personality. He doesn't come up the stairs, which is so like Huck who was even concerned if he had to go around a scary door jam. He checks on me more and he worries more about some sounds and comes to my side for reassurance. He sleeps more but he is going on seven. We joked that Mud will go out of this world as a pup, where as Huck came into this world as an old man. I've seen this often in the past years of animal care taking-when one of a pair dies, the other often shifts, sometimes by blossoming, as Sophie did after victor passed, and sometimes by becoming more like the lost buddy. I think Mud is just fine. He actually played with Hughie the other day and it was pretty funny.

Big Tony is aging. He is at least 15 we think but could be older. What we've seen in the past months is his hind end is weakening. We have makeshift steps all over the house for him, to get up to his food dish, to get up on his perch, to get up in the bed. He is not cleaning himself as well either and often comes to bed with poo in his hind paws. I figure it will happen to me, unable someday to tidy myself, so I care for him and place no shame on him. He sleeps by my head at night and we have talks. I told him,

"You are the cat I should have written about. You are here."

He is in the book. The book is struggling to get birthed. I can't deny it. Many have come on board, many who usually do, have not. I'm done analyzing it. We even got named a "Project We Love" by Kickstarter, and I'm appreciative of that. When I first wrote what was then called "Raggedy Love' back in '08 era, I worked with a top notch, well known freelance editor who used to be an in house editor at Chronicle and Workmen. He was very helpful and I learned so much from him about keeping a book focused. He also pitched that book to about 12 houses, and it was well received, but it didn't get picked up. He told me something though that was very true and something for all artists/authors to know:

A book has a life of its own.

He went on to share stories of an author's book not getting picked up, and the author went on to make another book, or more, and years down the road, the first book gets picked up. That was true with what would become "Donkey Dream", I had to birth it myself years later, but it sat in a pile for years. So, this Itty book has its own life and I don't have a magic ball to predict its future, or demise.

I do have a really exciting project I'm creating and I can't wait to share it, but it will be after the Kickstarter campaign is over, no matter what the outcome.

The living quilt

I put the faux quilt I made last week on the porch and Big Tony graciously modeled with it. I decided this is a living quilt-even though the linen and fabrics are all from old family memories, I found myself showing my guests the quilt this past week, explaining about each piece of fabric. We the living still touch it and wrap it around us-it is living with us. It is not just squares of fabric with memory, it is a living quilt–perhaps that is why the cat was immediately attracted to lying near it, he sensed its breath or heartbeat.

Pondering

I'm tweaking myself this year. After eight years on the farm, I'm regaining time to just sit, and think. I used to have so much time for this in my single-non farm life...but duties of the old goat-donkey-one-eyed pug caretaker never end. But the caretaker realized she had forgotten a bit of herself in all the care of others. It happens.

All is well, and I'm remembering how essential it is to have minutes to myself...to just be. Big Tony does it so well.

Nap of a king

To nap is never a waste of time, nor is it ever a waste of my time to observe the king of cats napping. What is it about his delectable white sock that makes me want to touch it and say smooshy words in his ear?

"She's back..."

Big Tony ponders my return...

"They have returned. The number of days that have passed do not matter, I do not live by the calendar as they do. I assume they will be back to sleeping in my bed again, so today I have squished myself into Itty Bitty Etta's basket, to prepare myself for tonight's sleeping arrangement. I am fond of them, especially the strong handed one with stubble on his face. He and I share a love for fire side rocking, good fish and warm blankets."

Captured cat epiphany

Moment captured with Big Tony. I suspect he had just had a cat epiphany of some sort.

Dream

I had this dream several nights ago, and wrote it down quickly.

I was flying over the ocean, but could clearly see the shoreline in the distance, where about 50 people were going about their business. I was far enough out, and high enough up, that the people looked like people, but were unrecognizable. I remember seeing them as tiny specks of color, and remember too I could somewhat hear their chatter. I was holding Big Tony, one of our many cats, in my arms. I had no fear. There were no ships or boats below. As we were flying, I told Big Tony that we had to go back to the ground now, and began telling myself in my head, "Go down now", and we started descending to the ocean. Tony wiggled a little, and I said, "Don't wiggle now, I don't want you to fall," and he stayed in my arms very calmly. In my head, I was very confidant I would not drop him. We were still flying, getting closer to the water and the shore. The dream ended before we reached shore, but I had no fears in the dream even though the ocean floor was fast approaching, and I'd have to make a 90 degree turn to fly to land.

A cat day well spent

Relief from a cat

It has been hot.

I do not function well in anything over 85, so life has been heavy and brown. While summer is the time of harvest and flowers and tomatoes and corn, it is also the time of year my body and head lose interest in many things. My creativity is sucked up by the harvest, and wrangling the young rams to put them in the various makeshift pastures. The latter must change, and next year the special 'chosen one" field will be complete with water, living quarters and grass pasture. At this time of year, my optimism - usually abundant- wanes, and I seem to lose my ability to go through a whole day without musing things like, "I'll just tell Martyn we must sell the farm and move to 5 acres". Then I sleep, and waking up to see a cloudy sky, I once again start all over.

I found Big Tony hidden in the 12' high fennel forest. He spends much of the hot days there, hidden from sun and other cats. He is King of his own forest. I took time to sit with him a few minutes, and life didn't seem quite as brown and heavy.

One Less Tooth and Donkeys Teach

Because of so many who participated in the Big Tony Tooth Raffle, Big Tony is now comfortable and eating well and free of possible infection for his bad tooth. The winner is glowing and I wish we could have sent a print to everyone, but that would defeat the purpose of the raffle. Big Tony is busy as we speak sending thank you notes - it could take some time, he is prone to naps.

Because of the many raffle participants, I found this site and person who is helping animals also - only they are equines. You can read about her efforts here, and possibly even support one of the horses in need. Her site also reminded me that one of my goals is to do more of the pet therapy I started in Minneapolis with my dogs - only now I want to share my donkeys with people. Whisper Ranch is also doing this, and finding her site through the raffle was a little poke of a finger for me - don't forget, you want to do this...

If a child who has never touched a horse or donkey comes to our farm, he leaves with that new experience. Young children learn that being gentle with an animal brings rewards to both. The first time feeling of feeding a horse and feeling his whiskers brings some trepidation but then joy, and accomplishment to a child. Touch is a powerful healer. When one is sad, or lonely, petting an animal and standing quietly brings thoughts of comfort. Energy moves, and the comfort brought about from animals is carried away by the child into a home that might not have comfort for him. If an unfocused child learns to walk a donkey and sees how a gentle nudge can move a 200# animal without a fight, perhaps that example is a tiny step in his or her development.

On Saturday, Pino and I will host a troop of Brownies who will learn about the lambs, and bring carrots for the donkeys. In this small way, I can do my pet therapy. But Pino's heart is so full, and since he will live to be possibly 30 or more, we have some time to get our show on the road. Still, life is short. Pie season is upon us. Just yesterday Pino was eyeing the fruit trees, watching for blooms that will bring berries for his pies.

Big Tony Tooth Raffle

The millionaire dollar ex-father-to many-now neutered-once-ferel-Tom now needs more vet care. One of his large front fangs was partially broken off and the gum has now become infected. The danger is that eventually the infection will go up his nasal passage and into his insides. Sneezing has told us the infection is already inside him somewhere, but I have had to put off the procedure due to costs for other farm needs - such as the cut tail of Wild Iris the goat that I just could not get to stop bleeding [fixed, thankfully].

So, it must be done and I am having a raffle to collect funds to defray the cost of the vetting [estimated cost of procedure and meds is $220+]. All dona tors donating at least $10 will qualify to win the archival print shown here [7x7" image on 8x10 archival white paper, framed on backing board, glass front, swiss clips - ready to hang, or prop on a shelf, free USA shipping]. This print has a retail value of $70. Note: There is no © sign printed on the actual print. To donate securely online - please click here .

To qualify for the raffle, donations must be received by Friday April 6. I will have Martyn pull a name out of a bag, assisted by Pino Blangiforti, as I feel Pino is perhaps the most honest helper, and he needs to experience new things to prepare for the upcoming pie season. I will stop the donations on April 6th, and if there is an over abundance of donations before that, I will give people the option of having their money returned, or having it put in the Cat Fund for future emergency needs.

Meanwhile, Rosemary and Lilly of the Valley continue to be ladies in waiting - I hope for babies this weekend. They were looking at me longingly this morning, and I urged them to 'Just go for it, girls', hoping that would inspire the baby muses.

Home

As the picture shows, the Big guy is home. We are considering changing his name to "The Million Dollar Cat", as his vet bill was a tad higher than I had hoped for - I won't share it with you as you will all think I've lost my mind. The clinic where I vet my dogs and barn cats were wonderful, as always - thank you Carlton Vet, I know you threw in some extra attention and service.

The outpouring of donations definitely helps put a nip in Tony's vet bill, and I can't thank people enough, over and over.

For those of you who donated, I will be getting your print/story off to you in a couple of weeks. Meanwhile it is over 90 and the heat will continue into the next week. I worked an hour in the field and melted, literally, as my Irish skin just can't handle heat. So I am taking the opportunity to work in the shade today - I am busy training Tony how to fold and toss a newspaper, as I am hoping I can get him a paper route to earn some of his keep here.

Big Tony, please come home

Many of you know Big Tony from my story over on Animals of Apifera, and some of you have even been lucky enough to have been graced by a personal introduction to him at our farm. Big Tony is the King, he is the one, he rules, he rocks. He is King of the new barn where 10 of the barn/ferels sleep, he is King of the front porch where Little Orange, Blackberry, Pumpkin Head and Mama sleep. He is King of our house now, where he comes and goes at his whim, sometimes reclining on the bed, sometimes on a chair by a fire. He eats on a counter and is in his eyes, is elevated in his position in our farm and home. He adores Martyn. He is at the top of the hierarchy of all animals here on the farm, including Huck and Billy. He is even above the other big man, Joe Pye Weed. Tony does not need to scream this from any balcony, he oozes this fact - it is like they would say about someone like Ghandi or JFK - you just know you are in the presence of a higher energy. Some animals have it, and Big Tony is one.

Big Tony came down with a serious infection of the urethra last week. He has been in the hospital since, and they are having trouble keeping his bladder empty. It's common among neutered male cats, often is diet related, and can usually be controlled once the initial blockage and infection is taken care of. They just can't seem to get to that point, but I am remaining hopeful. Of course, all this is costing money, and I put out the word yesterday to an email list of customers and cat lovers and friends - 'please, help if you can', and I want to say, yesterday was a day of many tears of gratitude. Some of you I knew well, some not so well, but each penny and dollar helps so much. Big Tony is my responsibility, but we have been helping so many area cats, that this incident tapped me dry. I reached out and asked for donations for Big Tony's rising vet bill, and people have responded. I am just so grateful. It means a lot that people understand how much time,effort and love I put into the ferels and helping them. I will always always reach out to animals. It is a gift for the animal, but more than that, a gift for me to have this affinity.

If you want to donate money to help defray the cost of the vetting, you can visit the katherinnedunn.net site and go to Farm Whim section and donate online. Or email me if you prefer a check. I am sending all donaters a small archive print of the piece I recently did of Big Tony, along with the story of him [which you can read on the Animals of Apifera site.] I will post immediately when, hopefully, he gets home.

I am still working [slowly, I know] on my escrow fund idea for helping other people with spaying/neutering ferels/strays, but right now, I need to focus on the King. I have gathered a lot of support.

I wanted to write about farm event - which was a huge success - and I will later this week. So many cool things happened and I need to digest it all to write about it. But for now, my heart is wrapped up in a cat, that I care about, and that cat's energy has power and purpose. I want Big Tony home, back on the farm.