The gift of the 103 year old...the most meaningful of gifts

The birthday boy shows his pony bells through the window

There was a very special birthday gathering at Chase Point this week. One of the residents, David  turned 103 years old with his daughters and family members gathered outside a large picture window as David sat inside, looking out. Due to the restrictions and CDC guidelines due to the COVID 19 virus even family members can not visit inside.

But the birthday boy had another special guest–Harry the llama.

David loves animals and back when he was 101 he first visited Apifera Farm where he met all the animals including the llamas. He was able to visit again when he was 102. But this year, due to the virus everyone is in lockdown. When I heard David’s birthday was coming up, I immediately wanted to bring Harry to the gathering and contacted David’s daughter  to confirm a Llama Birthday Window Walk with Harry.

I was going to try to do a daisy chain for his neck, but opted to decorate him in bells [these were gifted to us last year by a follower who had collected them during her many travels.] Now I realize picking the bells was one of those divine moments.

When David saw Harry’s bells he was delighted. He started to talk about the pony bells he had hanging in his room. It’s hard to hear through the window,  but the staff translated, and his daughter explained to me how he loved his pony bells. The staff went to his room and brought the pony bells down so everyone could see them through the window. David had found them long ago in his travels to India and where ever he lived he always took his pony bells. Then he asked the staff to take them outside so I could see them closer, and I was thrilled to ring them and show Harry. Through it all, David sat inside smiling through the window watching his favorite pony bells being rung. Minutes later, another staff person came out and said David wanted me and Harry to have the bells.


Verklempt moment.

I just welled up with tears, I looked at him through the window and patted my heart with my hand, and he mimicked me. It was probably the most caring, beautiful and most meaningful gift I have ever received.

As Harry and I  left with our new special bells, the family was able to visit more with David outside, under social distance guidelines. There were no hugs allowed or birthday cake, but there were smiles from David.

My birthday wish for David is he gets to be with his family up close...soon...very soon. And when we all get through this lock down, I want to get David out to the farm, and we will ring those bells.


And a postscript...It had slipped my mind...but this was also Birdie's birthday. I know she was present. She probably helped me find Harry.

Harry looks in at the birthday boy

David meeting Birdie the llama when he was 101

Katherine wearing the pony bells with honor

Birdie reaches out today....from...everywhere

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A post shared by Katherine Dunn / Apifera Farm (@katherinedunnapiferafarm) on Mar 21, 2019 at 7:15am PDT

Birdie's been on my mind. It was a year ago when we were giving her physical therapy twice a day, trying so hard to help her. We did that through mid March. This film was taken the night before she died. I documented everything on Instagram, and I even keep it all on my phone so I can go back and look at it sometimes. I don't do that as much now. But when I do , now that is has been a year since she got sick, what I see now is an animal that was fighting the fight-with me, and maybe for me- but there was a moment in the photos where-now-I could see her change. Her hair even looked duller and grayer. Even in this film posted here, when I posted that back then, I didn't think it was the end. I could still see a smile there, a tired smile, but a smile. When I look today, I see how tired she was. The next night, she was clearly...pushing away a bit, in her demeanor. I am not even sure anymore, if I did right by her, fighting so hard to save her. I do know she was trying. I'm a bit sad that maybe I should have given my usual speech, "It's okay to let go"...but it wasn't ok because selfishly I wanted her to stay, and she did, as long as she could.

Today, I got a package from a kind follower. It had a gift for Bear, who arrives in a couple weeks, which I will let him open. And a package for me. My mother was rolling her eyes in heaven because I am notorious for opening gifts when they arrive, not waiting. When I read the woman's sweet note I had to open it. The woman had been following Apifera awhile and was very fond of Birdie and was so sad when she died. But sometime near Birdie's death, her mother grew ill, and she was caring for her, which was a challenge both emotionally and physically-any caretaker can tell you the toll it takes no matter the love surrounding it. She said that in the hardest days, when she felt like she was in a fog, she would repeat to herself, "Birdie On, just Birdie On!"

This just made me rip open the package, I knew what it would be-a soft fluffy white llama doll. Now you don't have to all go out and send me llama dolls, but I have to say, the fact I've been thinking of her so much lately, and hearing this woman's story...I go back to my belief I've expressed many times...we are all connected-in actions and breath. It's not about not making mistakes, it's about understanding your words and actions have repercussions, and we get to choose how we'd like our repercussions to be felt-as positive, kind, sincere, authentic...or hurtful, harsh,domineering and judgmental.

As Lou Reed said so well, "Spittin' in the wind comes back at you twice as hard."

Birdie never spit, and together, I think we formed a union and partnership that helped me shine my strengths, showing the world what I wanted to be and could be if I just had a llama with me.

I think she was part of that doll that arrived today, reminding me, it's okay, she's where she needed to go, and I'm here where I need to stay for now. I truly hope we meet again.

Goose and I tend to the body

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A post shared by Katherine Dunn / Apifera Farm (@katherinedunnapiferafarm) on Mar 22, 2019 at 1:40pm PDT

Over 200 comments on the last two Birdie posts on IG, have me in tears, but I am also reminded how love is a ripple wave, inspiration is too, as is soul work of any kind. People telling me they have been following for years whose name I never knew reach out after falling in love with the spirit of a llama, and her goose. So thank you for all these comments and emails and such...I am still in shock, as is Martyn...it's just a real...blow.

But she is okay now.

People are asking about My Grace. I am a firm believer in not suger coating death for readers or the barnyard, and my experience is the animals know this stuff way before we do. After all, it was the goose who was right by her when she died. That is comforting to know. I think the goose is a healer, and I think like other animals, like Stevie the goat, she will continue to find out what animals need her. Let's not forget her first charge when she arrived was Rosie the grumpy pig for her final weeks.

Goose is still with Birdie who lies in state in the barn. We will have to hand dig a grave which will be rather difficult but the mud and permafrost will make things impossible with the tractor. Getting her buried is very important to me, and I will not be at rest until that happens. I choose to leave Goose with her, with her classical music playing, and her giant bucket to swim in. She will be allowed to help us take the body out to the 150 feet to the grave, if she chooses to come.

Goose knows where Birdie is. When I entered the barn last night, she was on Birdie, a common occurrence, but she was much more demonstrative as you see in this video. Many will have opinions of what Grace is saying, but for me, she was telling me she will stand as protector of the body until Birdie is of earth. I feel the same way.

I sat with her body after barn chores, and removed all her bandages and wraps. I wanted her to be free of them. It is all very hard, and sad to have to carry on without her. We were just getting started her and I.

It was really windy this morning, sea wont through The Wood. I closed my eyes and held my hand up to the sky and said her name. Within an hour the wind died down.

Very sad, very hard news to share

Taken the last morning of her life

I always do the barn chores in the front barn first, feeding the goats and pigs, chickens and lastly, attend to the elder cat suite before heading out to the outer barn. I was deep in thought as I was cleaning litter boxes, thinking about Birdie, when Martyn came in. He never comes in while I'm doing chores.

"Birdie died," he said.

I can not even tell you what sounds came out of my body.

Some might wonder why we were shocked, but we were. Devastated. Gutted. Mad. Sad. Empty. Squished like a bug.

In the last two days, I could tell Birdie was in more discomfort. I was unsure if this was from inflammation [she was on anti inflammatories], general discomfort and muscle aches from the situation and therapy, or if the two sores she had that we were treating caused great pain-the latter weren't that advanced and after finding them we wrapped her entire legs top to bottom, instead of just problem spots from lying down. Her last three therapy sessions were harder for her. She just seemed more ouchy, and less ready to be a willing partner. In order to even get her up into the lift, she usually 'helped' me by lifting some from the torso, but a couple days ago, she wasn't that willing.

Last night, she was clearly ouchy. I spent a lot of time with her, soothing her by massaging her face, but she clearly just kind of wanted her space. I respected that. I went to the house and brought back a pain shot for her, and she was eating as I left.

We don't know what killed her in the end. While we firmly, along with our vets, think she had the M worm, and responded to treatment, her relapse 2 months later had us all scratching our heads. Maybe the pain was more than we knew and she had a heart attack. She might have had a tumor on her spine for all we know. We will never really know.

The thing is, I think she knew what was coming, and I think she knew that in my heart, I knew. One day ago, when I sensed she was in more discomfort, I asked her if I needed to listen better to her, if I was clearly understanding her needs at this moment. I think we had such optimism because we were seeing improvements, but while we were watching for those things, other things were going on inside her. I also noticed her eyes just seemed less bright.

After I gave her her pain shot last night, I told her how hard I knew she was working and I was so sorry this was happening to her.

So...here we are. Llama less and heartbroken. Spent. We all tried so hard! And that includes a village of people who tried to help. She was given the right antibiotics, treatments, and was on certain vitamins for nerve repair. Massages, acupressure, acupuncture with vitamin b shots...music therapy, physical therapy and love from us and a goose...her fans sent her prayers and leg wraps and hope.

This is a huge loss for me and the farm. We were just getting started her and me, she was meant to be a therapy animal. I guess she was able to do that, and by coming to Maine and being part of her first years here, she won the hearts of anyone she met. There is no other llama like her. No other creature like her. I just can't even tell you how painful this is, it is physically painful. We were a team. And I got left behind.

This morning we had a scheduled Opie therapy visit with our sweet friends at Wiscasset Green. I did not for a second think of cancelling. I knew it was something I needed to do for us, and them. My goal was not to blubber about Birdie, and I told Martyn to not bring it up. Well, they asked about her. And we told them. They were genuinely sad, they loved her and often asked about her. And they were genuinely sad for me. I didn't blubber but got teary eyed. As we were leaving Joe gave me a hug and told me that Birdie was out of pain, and when his wife of 60 years died that is what kept him standing, knowing she was not in pain. And that is all I thought of today. Birdie is not in pain. She is okay, just like my mom and all the other creatures that have died before me. Birdie was tired in the end, she put on such a fight. Did she do it for us? Maybe, but in the end, I think she did what she needed because she knew I wasn't ready to do it.

When we got home, there were bunches of tulips that had been left at our gate from a dear friend, someone I had told early in the morning about Birdie. The card said, "It will be okay." She knew that was my mantra, and she knew it was the perfect thing to say to me, and it was.

When I turned to open the gate, there was a little chickadee nearby, sitting, looking my way.

"Bird," I said. I called her Bird a lot. She is all the birds now I guess.

Taken the last day of her life

I covered her head this morning, Goose inspects

What it is really like...and I will be the hope other llama owners might need...and by the way, this is one hell of a llama

The warm sun was let not Birdie's barn, finally some spring weather

I have to say it is an honor working together with Birdie, and having Martyn here helping is also very rewarding. I could not have gotten this far without his help in constructing the lift. Let's remember 5 weeks ago we were using a hand pulley system and Martyn would hold the pulley while I worked with Birdie.

But here is the reality of it all...it's hard.

My followers and Apifera friends have been generous and kind and pulling us forward with positive messages. When we first started this regime, the message from the internet and my research was bleak at best. There was very little out there I could find from people that had actually pulled a camelid through this. Much of what I was reading, and being told by a few llama people, was 20% chance of recovery...or if she isn't up in two weeks you should put her down. But I did find stories of people who were doing what we are doing now and their llama lived to tell the story-one was down for over a year and stood up one day, he lived another seven years to 15. That is the story I keep in my heart. Not everyone has the time to do what we are doing or the person in that story.

I read another person's story of how she went through what we did-people telling her to put her llama down if it wasn't up in two weeks. Her llama was up in six weeks and she wrote about it on a llama forum, simply because while there is a lot of info out there on what medical treatment to give a llama with brain worm, and how to deworm to help prevent it, there is nowhere for llama owners to go and see encouraging stories. Even on that forum, people that commented wanted to focus on the negative, and the woman finally had enough and said she was there to provide encouragement to others.

The thing is, this is incredibly intensive work, both physically and emotionally. But that doesn't mean I hate it. I am blessed that I can be with her and help her. If I had a full time off the farm job, I don't think I could do it, or it would be very hard. If Martyn had not been here in the beginning to help it would have been really tough, and it was also really cold out. It took us a while to figure out a lift system since there was no place to go to find out how to make a lift for a llama. We had to dig around to find some videos, and then make ours work. We started with a strong cloth and hand pulley, and graduated to an electric lift and engine lifter and balance, and then added in the butt straps. We researched acupressure and had help with that, we had help from healers we trust, we talked to my physical therapist and adapted techniques from that, adding massage, light therapy, heat therapy, music therapy. When this settles, I will provide a resource page on the blog for people who might have to deal with this dreaded worm, in the hope it will help them and their animal.

We feel we are doing the right thing and that Birdie is still with us 100%. I know this animal. She is working with us. She has had a couple days out of the 5 weeks where I felt she was down. We have worked with our vet to adjust the anti inflammatories and we have the back up of a stronger one when needed. She is eating well, and is getting some supplements like Turmeric and oxygenated water. While nobody can say if any of it will help, we are doing it and we are going forward with the mindset that it is helping.

I don't know what will happen in a week or months. We are seeing improvements in her strength when she is up in the sling. She took some steps, she is applying more weight to her feet, she is stretching on her own more. But she still can't walk or stand without us. Her legs are still bent. She eats like a hungry lioness and drinks well.

A big challenge is to keep the bed sores away. We pad her with hay, and we are wrapping her legs which is working. In the beginning we weren't, and a couple of sores started but we caught them early. that is why I put a call out for a different kind of wrap, which I had on hand from a long time ago. The vet wrap works great for certain areas, but this other wrap is wider and important for certain part of her body-like the upper thigh. When she is down, she can squiggle around at night and the smaller vet wrap seems to loosen and move. I'm terrified of the bed sores. It is a daily double check of all her body areas to make sure we aren't missing any.

This week we finally could open the front of her barn to give her sun. I know she liked this. The music is so nice too. When I arrive in the morning I present myself with optimism. It is one day at a time. It is really hard. And yes, at times, it is just so damn sad. I have a hard time seeing photos of her just 5 weeks ago standing. What is perplexing to both us and our vet is we began treatment for the Meningeal Worm in November, she was only down for two days, and could stand if I helped her up those two days. She rebounded quickly. Two weeks later she was down again and we retreated her to make sure. She rebounded again, and then out of the blue, two months later, she was down. This time, she could only get up about three days with my help, then she was completely down. Three days before that she slipped in mire and got stuck/down and I had trouble getting her up, but she was walking and seemed okay. We wonder if she tore something or slipped a disk. We don't know. The vet thought it so odd she went down suddenly after responding to the past treatments. [And our vet and us have ruled out other things like lames, tick paralysis and a couple other things because her symptoms didn't match those] That is another reason I'm not giving up. If it is something related to the fall, it will take time to heal.Or it could be a combination of things.

It takes time. This takes time. My time, Martyn's time, the llama's time. Today I'm finally going to get her Birdie Wall of Hope painted so I can start some drawing out there and post encouragement on the wall for her, and me. I ned to bring art back for my own heart and life, and I figure there is a project in this somehow, and I can still be there with her.

I thank so many of you who have sent love and other things, donations, support of materials to us. It takes a village to help a llama.

This is one hell of a llama.

When you are given a lemon make it into a project-my time with the llama is ripe

Today is my birthday. I would have liked nothing better to walk into the barn and see Birdie standing. But of course that is not how this is going to work, I do not have the magic wand, nor does Birdie. We only have each other and our inner strength to plod through this. How it evolves nobody really can predict. I am finding beautiful moments with her, like after our sessions I put a heat blanket on her and do massage, and we listen to the music. It's beautiful work to be able to do this.It is hard, but I am so lucky I can help her. If I had a job off the farm it might be very different-and many people have had to face that with their llamas when they are stricken with brain worm.

It makes me feel vulnerable I guess. A life can change in an instant.

But, this is the relationship I have at this moment in time with this particular animal, and I will take it and make the most of it. Yesterday, we put up some sheet rock in Birdies' barn and I will be turning it into a Birdie Wall-full of hope, messages, quotes, poems, art, inspiration and humor. I realized that I was looking at something wrong too. I've been a bit torn because my focus has been on Birdie, as it needs to be, but it has made my studio time somewhat fall to the wayside. While I've made lots of headway on my White Dog book, I've felt scattered and unfocused in the studio, or I haven't even made it there too much this month. So by putting up the Birdie Wall of Hope, I realized I can turn a lemon into a project. This is the project I am meant to flow through right now, a three dimensional project with my llama. I am going to do some drawing out there in the coming days now that the temperatures are finally going to get more normal. I don't know what will come of it, but I feel the need to be out there and draw.

The other wonderful gift that came this week was an old boom box so we can have music for Birdie in her recovery. Someone gifted it to Apifera. Another one is coming for the front barn so the elder cats and goats can have music too. Birdie and the goose seem to really like it. Right now they are listening to classical but we will mix it up for them too. Opera had the goose really jiving, see the video posted here.

This is probably the biggest challenge I've faced with a creature, and an ongoing one at that. I've ordered some more things to help with out our therapy sessions. I want to have straps that will help lift her hind end better, just ordered some I hope will work. I also invested in some minerals and therapies to maybe help with nerve regeneration. My vet is helping as much as she can, and I have been working with my wonderful healer/guide back in Minneapolis on healing things–I've known and worked with her for 30 years and trust her sense immeasurably. When I enter the barn, I am upbeat, and so is Birdie. If I feel myself getting non upbeat in my heart, I step away and snap out of it. She needs me strong.

Which is perhaps why this birthday had me in a funk. It's grey, snowing, and I could not even manage to decide what special meal I wanted. I didn't make a cake or anything. I felt like Eoreye when I awoke. I did go and buy myself tulips. I used to buy flowers a lot in Minnesota during the winter, and in Oregon never did because to me it was always spring during winter. But today, I bought tulips and thanked them and talked to them. I know when the temps rise this week and when we have sun, I will feel more like myself. I kind of miss my parents today, more than normal.

But the pussy willows are popping. This brought me great peace.

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A post shared by Katherine Dunn / Apifera Farm (@katherinedunnapiferafarm) on Mar 10, 2019 at 6:26am PDT

A post shared by Katherine Dunn / Apifera Farm (@katherinedunnapiferafarm) on Mar 9, 2019 at 7:33am PST

The innate painting-what did I know?

I did this painting in late October last year, after Birdie initially had succumbed to the Meningeal Worm, and we began treating her immediately. She was never down like she is now, we could get her up and she was fine. Even though she improved and responded to treatment, I was scared.

I took to paint. I have always let my art do what it is meant to do for me. I don't plan paintings. I didn't sit down and decide what shapes and such would be on this piece. I just knew I wanted to focus on what I could do for Birdie, or what was happening. Of course I knew that the worm even when killed can float around her spine, and I knew this was a time when we wanted her spine and nerves to recover and heal [which they seemed to be doing until early February when she relapsed for some reason].

When I looked at this piece last night, it amazed me. What the symbols are of the floating figures I am not sure...her guides? My guides? Me? But what took my breath away was the floating white cloud coming from her spine. It is the exact place on her body that seems to be causing issues. Her wings are off to the side, she is not needing her wings right now, she is of Earth and she intends to stay for now. I know she can change her mind...but it did not appear that way this morning, and we had a very good therapy session.

I just was reminded after looking at this, art is my conduit to pure prayer-prayer not asking for what I want, but what is needed now and can be accomplished, and what is truly before me, not what I I may want. A long time ago I learned that spirit or God or Universe gives us not so much what we think we need [ie, I need a mate to love, NOW] but instead gives us the wisdom and strength to learn, persevere and move forward to a place that will let us be on higher ground. I think this painting and art is like that.

And of course, sometimes, usually, it isn't that clear what is before us. It takes human steps of days or months, years even, to see clearly.

Birdie Update: New things, positivity renewal

It has been an incredible journey so far for me and Birdie. I began to doubt myself this past week. But I was reminded in a very concrete way doubting myself is not what Birdie needs, nor do I. I have been researching a lot, consulting with my physical therapist too which has helped a lot in my therapy with Birdie. But in the past day I reached out to someone I've known and worked with on healing encounters for 30 years [eegads!] and something clicked with me. I won't share the intimate parts of the conversation but Birdie but it was another piece to the puzzle and learning curve. Birdie's front legs suddenly became locked and rigid about a week or so ago. Her front had never been weak and I felt good about our progress in the sling and her therapy. I knew the locking up could be a condition of other things, but I was puzzled for days as to the true source. But it began to make sense. While I'm doing a lot right, Birdie needs more help to release contracted muscle and I was educated on Myofascial Release. I also am getting a heat pad for certain areas. I also asked followers if they had an old boom box for music for Birdie.

I read until midnight and found some stretches too that I can apply to her. The more I read last night the more I was inspired. I will also look for someone who has experience in this [a reader has someone she is going to talk to]. I also shared all of my progress with my vet, who has been very supportive and my vet and I are working on different combination and types of anti inflammatory drugs for Birdie's comfort and healing including both traditional meds and herb [which i would only do with her consult].

Last night after My talk with my healer, around 9 pm, I felt compelled to go to the barn and talk to Birdie. I told her I had been a bit down which of course she knew [by the way, if you are rolling your eyes, best move on from this page]...she was very calm. The past two days were hard on her and me because she was trying to get release from something, and I kept thinking it was something else. We sat for a long time in the dark of the barn, just my headlamp to light the room. Going to the barn in the dark at night is a spiritual experience-it is 'their' world at that point of the day cycle. I had visceral seconds of feeling the anticipation and sometimes dread of going to check on pregnant ewes or dying goats in the night back west. But Birdie was sitting contently, calmly. Her expression was lighter than the morning. I sat with her and told her it was another beginning. I was back on track. It was still going to be a long haul, but let's get on with it.

Sometimes woman and llama, and goose, just need to "be"

It’s been two harder days of therapy for Birdie. I took this photo after our session this morning and was pleased at her expression. She has been a bit off in the past couple days, just not as happy. Certain areas that used to be warm to the touch, or give her a definite 'zing' have subsided [for now] so that is positive. But her front leg is giving her trouble and I think she might have strained it, although there is no heat to it.

I know she understands my intention. I seek out hers everyday. I hope my eyes are clear.

I have worked on hard cases before with animals, but never one like this. Usually in the past, I was trying to revive an elder goat back to some normalcy after a life of neglect. Aunt Bea comes to mind, I fought hard on that one, and so did she-what a trooper she was. Three weeks of vet help and nursing her, making a sling out of seed bags, carting her out to the sun in a wheelbarrow of straw...and we couldn't save her.

I don't know what is going to happen. I have had days where I felt dejected, but as my physical therapist friend said, look for the recovery to be a net gain of days-it's like the stock market, things can go down but over time you want an upward trend. So far I have felt there is a net gain in recovery.

But one has to remain clear eyed, and it is a slippery slope when one is bonded with an animal, and one works with an animal in a certain way that is slightly more intimate than with other animals. I can count White Dog, Marcella, and Birdie in this mix, Pino too, as well as my old departed friends of Stevie and Guinnias. All the Misfits are special, but these are the healers. Boone is on some levels too, in fact I think our time has not yet come.

So things felt positive, and then two days ago she had swelling again which we got down with anti inflammatory meds. Oddly, it was the opposite leg this time. We can only assume things when this happens. There were positive things but her front leg [her front has been very strong the entire time] is troubling her. We wonder if is strained although it is not hot- sometimes she scoots around in a circle [lying down]and uses her front end mostly. I have been working on the leg and got some release from her this morning [ie she was freezing her leg stiff, and I got her to relax it], but I’m not sure why it is happening. I also wonder about neuropathy. I worked points on her feet and hocks which are associated some with spinal issues. Because the dead worm is not passed out of the body [they call this being a 'dead end host' unlike stomach worms that are passed out in the feces]it is absorbed by the body but bits of it can float around and cause issues. We can only surmise. Her neck had also really curved all of a sudden but I really worked on it for past few days -which she liked- and this morning it was straight. I think she is compensating for the front leg. My Grace has not been massaging her or pointing out spots and I am taking that as a positive thing-but there are no answers on this journey. I've begun rubbing her feet pads with a topical I like, and her elbows-so far we have prevented any kind of bed sores. I think the last two days she had discomfort in her front leg. But not her spine and other areas that used to be sensitive to the touch.

Many of you are following along and we appreciate that. I know that part of my life here is sharing these stories. Sometimes though, I have to keep parts of my time with the animals all to myself. I am getting lots of emails and messages-99% with good intentions and kindness, and that is very kind-but sometimes I feel I want to retreat with Birdie, and just be private. If a day or two–or more-goes by without an update, don't read good or bad into that, don't assume I am depressed or overwhelmed-I just might want to be. And just wanting to be does not require social media.

When I arrived at the barn this morning, Birdie was sitting straight which was good. And when I left, she gave me her classic look, and I took this photo. It made me feel good to see that, after a couple days where she seemed a bit down, or just a bit uncomfortable with her leg.

A beautiful moment of quiet this morning

Yelling at frozen poop and the universe gets an earful

{Before reading this post understand there is humor in this, and that all is well.}

This morning I think I finally hit a wall.

This winter has been not as pleasant as I usually find winter. Part of it is there is ice everywhere-everywhere- and it has been here most of the winter, making walking difficult, and just simple chores. Cold temps have hung around and it makes manure management in the equine area difficult, some mornings impossible to get it off the ground. Then they have to walk on the hrad stuff and they can get bruised-which heals, but...I hate not being able to get the frozen lumps off the ground. If it is around 20 and sunny I usually can.

So this morning I just went a bit bezerk with the frozen poop, and started beating it with my rake. The donkeys, sheep and Boone, and teapot, just ate their hay contently and let me vent, like they always do.

Then I had a good cry and told the universe I was mad at it. I continued on and told the universe I was also mad at the worms in deer that got into the slugs that passed it to Birdie. And I was mad at Maine. In fact, I was mad at a lot of things and just poured my heart out to the universe, with many expletives. And I was especially mad at the frozen poop. It was a good release. The donkeys understood completely and I hung out with them. The sun is out today, more cold temps tonight, more snow sometime soon. I can hear my mother, "It will be hot before you know it."...and then I'll be mad about flies. So, we forge on, on ice, and poop.

Birdie has had two days of not great therapy sessions. She had swelling for a day, so I put her back on anti inflammatory which made it go away. She was not cooperating this morning, I felt she needed a morning off. It is an up and down journey we are on.

Birdie wonders if this is what Peter Pan went through

Not to make light of the situation, but when we rigged up our new electric lift for Birdie yesterday, it was a bit like watching Mary Martin fly on Broadway for the first time [I date myself and I don't care.]

The new lift can hold up to 1500#, so I might get up there with her too.

This labor of love is a real...labor of love, hope, determination and continual effort to remain positive, and still watch the animal in my charge and read her intentions and feelings.

With the new lift, the rising of Birdie is much smoother, less jerky than when we did it by hand, and it is very quick, allowing her more motivation and help to rise quicker. It also allows us to raise and lower her in our exercise regime, making her use her hind and hips. I am doing various massage and movement techniques I learned in massage school, and through my own physical therapist back in Minneapolis [the best one in the entire world, fyi] who helped me so much then on my own needs, and now has consulted with me on the phone to give advise. A generous person who works with animals and acupressure [acupuncture without needles] has given me guidance on certain points, and is even hoping to come up from out of state to guide me.

I'm relying a lot on intuition, feel [looking for hot spots] and on Birdie herself to help me understand when her expression means, "That hurts," versus, "I'm sick of this leave me alone".

We are on day seven. We hoist her twice daily. Our sessions are about 30 minutes now I'd say. She was making steady improvements, and clearly wants to get up, she still has the will. The biggest improvement is when we get her hind end up [her front is strong] she is doing it quickly, and in the therapy we are doing shifting her weight and such she is engaging her hips more, making her feet hold weight without the sling. This does not last but it is a huge step. I also lift her legs to mimic walking, turn her body so she must shift weight and I do reps with her back legs. We also got back braces for ourselves.

Back when I moved to Portland, Oregon, in 2002, the illustration market had crashed after 9/11. I was still able to hold on as a freelancer, but knew my jobs were dying too. I decided to enroll in massage school, with the hope of becoming an animal massage/healer. I took a grueling year of muscle/bone/healing study, learning the skeleton and muscles, and I did well, but it was intense. I decided to drop out after that year, I realized I had no desire to be a masseuse for humans [the school had no animal component]. No regrets. But here I am, attempting to be a physical therapist-healer-animal acupressurist. I am doing my best. Birdie knows.

I have shed tears a few times. Partly exhaustion both of my body and heart, it is fine to shed tears. They come at unplanned times. I try not to cry in front of Birdie. But this morning I admit as we were working on this beautiful creature, I just felt the tears come and later when we were done I had a good cry with her. Then I snapped out of it. Martyn is a God. The hope is the new lift will allow me to do it on my own, because this could go one for months.

It is simply part of my life now, my life with Birdie.

I am the caretaker. The one that can't rest. People will say, "You must get help!". I have help, his name is Martyn. While I appreciate the sentiment, this is my responsibility, this is the game without an end in sight and it is what it is. Any of us could be paralyzed at any moment....I know this after my riding accident and concussion. One moment, bang, your life and those around you can change. What do you do. You buck it up, and forge on. You take breaks, you take hot baths, eat good food, hug your friends and mate, lift your face to the sun, kick buckets when you are mad...and you don't stop. And if I need more help, I will ask.

This is something that is going to go on for some time. How it will resolve itself, nobody knows, no vet, no healer, no inner me knows that. I do know that my work with Birdie, while I was not expecting this, this is part of our path together. It is part of my covenant to her.

People have asked how to help. Donate. People were good to donate a week ago and that vet charge of $450 was covered. While our fund remains healthy, these are the types of situations that can drain the well. We spent about $1000 yesterday on the electric lift and a new power tool to help, and other items that went along with the hoist system for safety, so donations are appreciated. Someone donated a lift blanket with straps this week, and I bought one too, and another chipped in. Thank you. Your positive energy sent my way are really needed and appreciated not only for Birdie but for me and Martyn. I also have hung the prayer flags for her, and I intend to take out art I've made to help her-will it help? It is my intention it will. I have been opening the barn doors so she can see her sheep, and sun, and her nurse the Goose can get some sun and puddle-ice walking.

Donations >

Birdie and I are fighting this together

I have not written about this on the blog, but if you follow on other social media you know that Birdie and I are in the fight of a lifetime. We are trying to pull her through the dreaded meningeal worm..."brain worm' is another term. Carried by White Tail deer, and then passed in feces to slugs and snails, it enters the llama [goats and sheep are also susceptible but camelids can be infected by way fewer worms] and does nerve damage if not caught immediately.

It started back on October 6, at our farm event, where Birdie sat holding court with her guests. When she went to get up that day, she struggled. I knew it wasn't right, and thought she had just been laying down a long time. Fortunately when it happened, I was standing with a well versed llama person who suggested it might be M worm, and I immediately called my vet, and began the 5 day intensive regime. We caught it at a very early stage-often if a llama is already down and unable to get up, those cases do not have the best chance for recovery. Within days of the first treatment, she was able to rise on her own. A few weeks later, she went down again, and we feared we had not gotten the worm, so we treated for another five days, and she rebounded, again...there was always some staggering, but that is normal due to some nerve damage from the worm. When the worm is killed, it stays in the spinal column, and the hope is the body absorbs it, but sometimes the deworming doesn't get them all, or, the worm is killed but not 'arrested' in other words it moves around.

I had never heard of this dreaded worm, we did not have white tail deer out west, and when we arrived in Maine, without a vet, we treated Birdie with a dewormer we had always used. I had some initial vets out here that first year but they were all equine vets, and I had no warning from any of them about M. Worm [and I am not saying it is their fault]. I wished somebody had mentioned it to me in the that first year and a half, but why would they? But now I know. Instead of giving one ivermectin shot each fall as we had done out west, we should have been giving Birdie that shot monthly. That shot kills the worm right as it enters the body. By the time symptoms appear, ivermectin is useless to the worms once they are in the spine, and another regime is needed.

So, after her two treatments, and two recoveries, she was doing great. She was up every morning, and even though she could not go out in muddy areas since she could slip, or ice either, she was good.

And out of the blue, overnight, about three weeks ago, she went down again and could not get her hind up on her own. Within days, she was worse in the hind end and even I could not get her up. The vet came again. We are treating her another time. Somehow, the first vet that prescribed the meds, did not give the right dosage, so all those treatments should have been double. It was an honest error, and a communication error between all of us [I believe in my current vet whole heartedly], and it is water under the bridge. Our blood work this week showed that the amount of a certain enzyme in her blood showed 'some' nerve damage, but not huge amounts of nerve damage. This is a positive. There is nothing in the blood work indicating other things going on [of course lots of things could be going on and blood would not show it], and her mineral and other levels were normal.

So, we devised-thanks to Martyn- a sling system, where we hoist her up twice daily, and I give her therapy by moving her hips, and massage her. I have talked to a very dear friend, a physical therapist who is also trained in massage and other healing arts, and he said I'm on the right track. He gave me some suggestions for our therapy sessions. I felt lifted in spirit after talking to him. We have been doing the sling/therapy since Tuesday night, and we do see improvement.

Most of all, her attitude is still good, she is still smiling. I do believe she understands I am helping her. She and I are very close, and now we are even closer. Through it all, her Goose remains vigilant, watches carefully as we load her into the sling, checking out to make sure Birdie is being treated right when I give shots and such. Birdie is probably in the top five healing animals I've ever worked with. She is so loved by so many, and such a component to our work here. I can not tell you how crushed I am that this happened, and I am very much to blame since I did not know the deworming regime for this dreaded worm.

But we continue to pray and work together to help her. I have hung prayer flags for her, and me. Thankfully Martyn is home working in winter, so I have him to help. I can not pull the pully and work on her at he same time. He is continuing to try to improve the pulley so he can leave it secure and leave me to work on her. I'm grateful I took that year of massage too, and have had physical therapy myself, so will be working on her lumbar region. We are seeing small improvements.

As long as she improves, as long as she shows me she wants to try, and does not get bed sores that are impossible to keep clean-we will continue to work. I am not giving up. I don't care if I have to do this for a year. I have read of a couple cases where a llama was down like this for a year, and one day, they arrived at the barn and she was standing.

I've shed a lot of tears over this, especially when I found out we were doing the wrong dosage. But that is then, this is now, I tell her everyday we will get through this. Until she tells me otherwise, we are going on hope, love and determination.

The Morning Chew...with Goose & Llama

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A post shared by Katherine Dunn / Apifera Farm (@katherinedunnapiferafarm) on Dec 28, 2018 at 5:26am PST

Moon over The Great Whites, a greeting from a father gone

The moon has been spectacular these last couple of nights. When there is a full moon, I always say,

"Hello, Bob."

Bob was my father, gone since 2008. The day he died he literally became the wind to me, it was so visceral. My skin and body were electrified after he died, I could feel so close to him just by the wind. I had never experienced that before. And that night, the full moon appeared, and I did not hesitate, it was him.

So it was not quite a full moon, but close enough to greet him.

I had been doing barn chores and turned around and there was the moon, right over White Dog. I think this is the blessing of the darn iPhone, I can't lug a camera all over during chores, but that is when so much happens that is the fabric of the life here. I asked him to stand while I got my camera out, and good molly goodness, he did. Thanks, Benedetto, it has been a very well received photo. And then leaving that field for the house, there was Birdie.

Beautiful. A moon over a llama, my llama. How many creatures were bather in that light last night?

Odd animal friendships-it's all the rage, but we knew that long ago

In case you haven't noticed on social media, it's all the rage to post sweet videos of odd animal friendships-emus and donkeys, chickens and cows, dogs and ducks, on and on. I enjoy many of those videos too. Although I do sense many are propped.

Many people are out of touch with Nature and I feel like some of these videos present Disney-ized versions of real creatures. There are people out there that truly believe all pigs are teeny [um, those are called new born piglets] and should dress in clothes and live in houses, or that a horse lying on the cold earth in winter is abused and they call a sheriff [please don't do this, horses love to lie on the ground even in winter].

So, I hesitated somewhat to share my Goose & Llama evolving friendship, but after weeks together, the goose, who we named My Grace, does seem bonded with her llama. And I like that, she has a defender. I find them sleeping together, they eat together, and for the last couple days I've allowed Birdie to go outside and get some sun. I wanted to make sure she was stable enough, the last thing we want is for her to fall or pull something due to her nerve damage as it could set her back.

I now have Birdie on anti-inflammatory pills and we have gone to pills every other day after getting good results for one week of daily pills. The idea is to taper her off as much as possible without losing ground. Nerve damage is a long road of recovery, if at all, so I feel we will go a year before we see what recovery we will have.

But I'm pleased with her progress, and she seems like herself too. She tried to do a little llama 'skip' something they do as they run, head and neck down-it is like a frolic and I so miss seeing her do it, it is pure joy. But she couldn't quite make it work, and I encouraged to stop and stand.Still it was a sign of progress.

So Goose & Llama will not be appearing in any viral videos, I am sure of that, but their friendship does seem real. And lets not forget My Grace was there for our old friend, the World's Grumpiest Pig aka Rosie. I've seen these inter species friendships many times, and sometimes they stick, and sometimes they evolve.

I have a crazy theory that My Grace admires Birdie's long neck, and Birdie admires Grace's neck too and how it can twist and turn.