I heard her sighing–deep, heavy breath sighs, then some cud chewing.
She was sitting with her head in her feet, alone, there was nobody within sight of what is usually a busy barnyard.
"I sent them all away," she said to me, seeing me standing by the gate.
It was my cue that I could now dialogue with her, even though she was in no state to converse.
"What happened?" I ask softly.
"They did not understand my vision. I could not express it well enough. And once Stella died, it began to unravel....I guess when I changed the script to Latin, it was more than they could handle. they said it wasn't fun," she paused, more sighs heaved out of her tiny body- a body now beginning to show its age. "Is creation always "fun"? I asked them. Do we not have to stretch sometimes to grow, and expand?"
She went on, "I had Iris stand in for Stella, but it was useless, an utter waste of my time. I have to face facts-I can't run this place and give my words and ideas justice anymore. I let my muse down."
More sighs.
"I have failed," she said in a matter of fact way.
"Everyone fails at something," I tried to reassure her.
"No, I never fail at what I set my mind to. It has always been this way. But lately, I can't keep up. My feet hurt too. I can't be everywhere anymore. I can't remember all the places I've hid the secret codes. I need to fire myself," she said.
I had never seen The Head Troll this way. Always my right hand aid, the task keeper of the barnyard, it was hard to listen. She has been my rock for so long. I did not want to believe these things.
"Sometimes people think I can do it all, I think," I told her. "They make me what they need me to be in their life. I walk around, knowing I can't live up to it. So it's a daily failure, of sorts. It's always under the surface, an inner voice saying, you fraud."
We sat together on the rickety stage that just weeks early had held such excitement for The Head Troll, and therefore, for me.
Earnest came out of the barn.
"I learned all my lines," he said politely.
"I know you did,, Earnest, but Summer Stock is cancelled for good. I am not capable of making it happen. I'm sorry."
"It's okay. I got to learn Latin," and he walked off to his mud hole.
"Maybe that is enough. The pig got to learn Latin," I told her.
And she scurried off, "I just remembered where I hid that code book!"
