Apifera Farm - where art, story, animals & woman merge. Home to artist Katherine Dunn

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©Katherine Dunn.

Tuesday, January 15, 2019

I'm fighting the blues...give the goats hula hoops

I have learned over the years, all sixty of them, that sometimes melancholy creeps in, or swoops in, or crashes in. I think it crept in in the past week, not because of one horrible thing, but because of a series of events which led to a series of thoughts which led to series of fears, and whys and what ifs and then you realize, again, that there is no control over anything...anything.

And before I knew it you I was sitting in my studio trying to paint something significant, or actually I was trying to just pain one line of anything, and my hand is barely moving across the page and all I saw was hula hoops with goats.

I rather liked it. I thought that maybe my muses were telling me to lighten up, enjoy the off time. But any artist will tell you that sometimes off times lengthen. To be honest, I've never had a 'draught' per se, but I feel more and more, after being a full time creative since 1996, that sometimes I wonder if my well is drying up...or maybe that my well is getting stingy and just wants to paint and not share everything manically. I can also tell I am writing less on the blog. I have thoughts that after 12 years or what ever it has been, how much more does anyone want to read here? And they have FB, IG, Pins and pics and pokes, my ego is not that big I just don't think my thoughts are that compelling any more.

I heard about an artist-I forget who-who quit Instagram and other social media platforms-he has millions of followers-because he felt it was becoming the reason he was creating-to share it. I get that.

I'm shifting. I can feel it, and I am also feeling that I'm 'digging in' a bit, which gives me this urge to go sit in The woods with White Dog and not share anything for weeks...and just draw the shadows I see come in through the trees, and not show anyone. But sharing online is how I can continue to make a living, pure and simple. It means one has to constantly check boundaries, and motives of oneself, and others. It's exhausting.

And I like to share. I have grown away from sharing online for a reaction. It's nice to hear people respond positively, don't get me wrong, but I don't need it like I think I did early on. A lot of that came from personal relationship work and recognizing I don't really need anyone's approval for anything. But when I take a beautiful photo, does it exist if I don't share it? Isn't my sharing a gift in and of itself to those who resonate with it. I guess. Yes, it is.

But, I have a bit of the blues, or the stucks as I call them, the floppy ear donkey days. I think a lot of it for me is the constant bagging out of information from all the online sources, the constant news cycles with so much going on-alot of it bad-in the political world, and it is all important stuff. We can't turn our backs. But I think, for me anyway, it is making me distracted. I am almost feeling I am addicted to being distracted.

We sensitive creative intuitive can easily get sucked up into other peoples pain and issues, I have worked hard to understand what boundaries need to be to keep healthy and sane. I think the boundary that isn't there right now is I have to be online for a lot of different reasons-keeping the shop running, filling orders, updating sites, billing...it is so easy to fall into the I'll just check such and such to see if the world is till here.

Anyway, after all these years, I still have days where I think I might be done, not Dunn, but done. I think the muses just lifted me up a bit and gave me hula hoops today.

1 comment:

Patty said...

Reading this blog is good medicine for
me. I have limited mobility so I move
in my imagination. Hope the muses send
more hula hoops...love your blog.

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Thank you for reading! The farm and my art/writing keep me hopping, so might not respond immediately. Thank you for understanding. ~Katherine & Apifera ~