Just let me be old. I merged into it. It's fine.

 

This photo is us back in Oregon farm, I was maybe 50 I think. Recently, I realized that I have been slipping my age into certain conversations, such as, "Well you know since I turned 65..." and I realized I am growing into that new identity. I am no longer young [do not call me young, as I am not, I am older now] and I simply want to be what I am, older. I just want to be 65, naturally. Why do we post old photos? I think it is two fold-to show ourselves where we are now and try to merge with what we see in a mirror versus a photo from what seems like yesterday, but also to kind of wave to the younger set "Hi, it's old me, I was you once, I'm fine here though but I was once a young something."

 

I read where the beautiful actress Addie McDowell was critiqued for not dying her beautiful silver hair because it made her look older [she is stunning] and she said, 

 

"I do think there is the importance of seeing beauty at every age and it's not limited to a certain age," said MacDowell, adding, "Every once in a while, I'll say to someone, 'I'm old,' and they'll say, 'No, you're not!' Like it's some horrible thing to say." MacDowell continued, "And I'll say to them, 'But what if I say I'm young? Don't have a problem with that, do you?' The truth of the matter is, I'm old and that's OK. That's what I really want people to think about. We're towards the end," she explained. "We have no time to waste feeling shame."

 

Nor do I have time to try to look young. Think about it, why should I try to "look" young. I'm old. When I was 20 nobody tried to make me look older, why do we create products called anti aging. Why is anti? We are evolving bodies. Do we tell the little sapling in the yard, 'Please don't ever get old".

 

At some point in this whole aging thing I thought, I'm not ashamed of my aging, but I have to keep it to myself, I don't have to declare my age-because if I do people will start watching...is she still okay working with those animals? Oh, she fell, she said, is it getting to be too much? I wondered, maybe people won't donate to the non profit because they wonder how long I can do this.

 

Then I came to my senses. It took a bit of merging into the entire age of 65 though.

 

I am not young, but I'm living as I am until I won't be alive. I'm actively living, which means I'm aging. I am not young. I am no longer pretty but I'm not ugly, I'm just like the old animals, I am what I am. I shine really brightly, so much so that that is why I'm looking older now-it takes energy to shine. A flower shines and shines but it can't be the same flower as when it bloomed.

 

"You can't do everything forever," said Bob Dylan. 

 

And I'm smarter about many things-like what I will and won't tolerate, what I just don't care about and what I do care about. I don't tolerate drama queens or kings, grifters or phonies. Gotta use my energy for my healing, my animals and my art. Most of the time, I know what I am supposed to be doing and I do it.

 

 

Age is a daily platform to launch from

I turned 63 yesterday. I have t say it was a really special day. I awoke to the smell of bacon and found that Martyn had made me a piece of bacon and cut it into pieces and shaped it like a heart. I found this so simple and sweet. Best birthday card ever. 

The progressed, beautiful weather, took a long walk with Bear, heard from old friends...and then at 11 my elder friends from Cove's Edge had planned a special birthday Facetime with me. I knew they had something up their sleeves, and they did. They all had on Harry shirts! But it gets better, the shirts were actually sent to them as a surprise by one of my many loyal and kind followers. I was so touched. It really made my day. They are like family to me now. It takes a lot of effort for my contact their to gather them all and get the computer set up right too, so I just love it.

We are trying to get vaccinated, that would have been the final gift, but it will happen as more vaccines are made available. They say it was one year ago we went into lock down. We are moving forward, I have hope for the first time in many months.

If you are lucky enough to have a roof over your head, health, and an income, and love, aging is freeing to the mind, at least it is for me. But I have my health. I think working with the elders, seeing how some people end up in the final years, it makes me appreciate each day of freedom even more. I saw an article recently about how more and more people are living to 100. I have absolutely no desire to live to 100, or even 90. I just don't. I am finding that the internal 'shoulds' we taunt ourselves with in our younger years [i.e. I should do more art today, I should lose 5 pounds, I should this and that] are dissipating. It doesn't mean I am not vibrant, curious or ready to take on new things, it simply means I set my pace and don't get riled about what you or others thinks or want. I always did, but I'd drop everything to take on an illustration project that was strictly for money. I don't have to do that now. I still work hard and get my deadlines met, but it is less hectic. I've worked hard to get to this point-25 years of learning curves and lng hours. I still have to make money but we spend wisely allowing us to live in this little house and live comfortably.

But I was thinking about the number thing. We get all consumed with the number on the scale, the number of steps, the number on the birthday...all the ramifications of those numbers are really set by others. Take weight...I have always been more than the range they drum into your head [especially as girls and women]...always. I gained weight after menapause, about 15 pounds, and then another 5. I took 14 off, and gained 4 this winter. So now I'm even more over the weight guides. But I read this great article the other day about instead of counting calories or points, just learn to listen to your body. If you eeat natural foods, your body will tell you what it wants. If you eat sugars and processed foods your body will crave them. I find this to be true. And the point of the article is, so what if you eat naturally, and not manically, but eat when your body tells you to eat...who says that number on the scale is not right for you.

It was sort of freeing for me. Working with the elders, I know what is important than my slight weight gain and larger girth...it is that I can walk, bend, dance, move, ride my horse, and be independent. That is the focus of each day now. Each day is a launching pad to be free, do what I love doing, give back to my animals and elders, make art or write. it has nothing to do with my age or the number on the scale or the number some group of doctors on a web site say I should be. 

 

 

Intense moments of being

I was working in the equine paddock while Martyn was putting up boards in the new barn addition-the goal being that the horses won't eat the barn siding. We still have to paint with no chew, a task I hate, I admit.

But I wanted to try to explain this moment, in words. Sometimes it is hard to find the right words to describe a moment that encompasses the past, present and future.

White Dog loves Martyn. He loves men, loves my farrier too. He likes women, but I see his response to Martyn. White Dog has a different relationship with Martyn than he has with me. When Martyn comes out, it is special, where as I am there every day multiple times. White Dog loves to be with Martyn when he works. Sometimes it is problematic, and not so safe if power tools are involved. But this job he was able to be right at Martyn's side...so happy, so content. And I caught a series of photos that slayed me, this one being the most emotive.

It was one of those moments where as you are experiencing it, it propels you to a very spiritual and emotional place, a place of understanding the grace of the moment, the beauty of it, and the fact that it is a moment that is fleeting. It's fleeting because life is fleeting and one day you wake up alone, or in a home, or you lose your mind. I know that is rather grim, but it is the truth we face as we age. It was a moment where in seconds I prayed White Dog would live many more years and that Martyn would stay healthy, and that we would be okay, and be together and not be separated in old age.

The beauty of aging is that you do respect these moments even more viscerally than in your youth. I certainly had many intense moments of realizing I was witnessing something beautiful and profound. But as I add another year in my early sixties these moments just become more profound and special. Sometimes, I hear a voice in my head–my voice–say,

Remember this.

Not deprived without those 10,000 steps

"Do not deprive me of my age, I've earned it." May Sarton

 I just read a Wall Street Journal article that many doctors and scientists are seeing and referring more and more to the power and healing of Nature-since the pandemic has found more people escaping the city, going to large outdoor areas and such, and many feel the benefits are outweighing this whole idea of "You have to get those 10,000 steps in, somehow, on your treadmill or by walking or climbing up and down the stairs." {snore}

I loved living in NYC, Mpls, Portland and other places...but I always knew I'd end up in a smaller place, eventually-that was my heart move, and it took until I was 42 but I got there, and some 20 years later, I would not change it for the world. I'd be miserable in the city now. I often have vivid recurring dreams of being in the city, often with some of my animals, but I'm lost and I can't find Martyn and I know I have to get back to him and the farm.

I get steps on my phone and I know when I do 5000 or more I feel better. All my steps are from chores, not walks. In warmer months I often do 7,000 or more just in chores. When I add a walk in I go way up. But the time it takes to get 10,000 steps through a walk...just was not a priority in my day. I finally quit letting it be part of the rent in my brain and focus on eating less carbs and simple things during winter. I gained 15+# over the years after marrying/post menapause, nothing like some go through, but I lost 14 pounds since last June and I'm trying to maintain that loss until spring and lose another 7 or so. It's Martyn's wonderful cooking, but I just cut way back on any carbs. I do want to get more walks in when the roads aren't ice and salt.

As I age, I'm 62, the importance of health is more in  the front of the windshield. One's priorities are different, and clearer too, than the 20-40 range. I am speaking for myself but I hear this from most of my friends, especially women. I wouldn't take my young body if it meant taking my younger mind, attitude, lack of experience too. I like my age. So with age comes the perspective that losing some pounds is about how it feels, not how it looks. And having a functioning body is more important than a body losing weight.

Working with the elders...what is important is the fact I can still walk, and bend, and move, and make my own decisions. And I don't fear death, I only fear losing those things-those things that let me live my life in Nature on my own. None of us want to end up in a home, and I often wonder if I could adjust. I don't dwell on it, but seeing the people I see, I just relish pretty much every day as who I am.

You often hear people as they age say things like, "My husband still looks like the young man I met years ago." I feel this way. Just because I am constantly aging, as are you, doesn't mean I give up the same joys I had as a child, girl or younger woman-flowers, gardens, horses, sky, moon, garlic. I speak to some younger women who really are full of it. They have the kind of hunger -for anything- that can make them brazen and snarky. I'm sure I had many moments like this although...I think the internet and social media has emboldened things in some people that are basically just rude behavior and misguided behavior. I have  some younger illustrators or writers/artists that still contact me for advice on breaking into books or magazine-they have been polite and respectful. They do not make me feel like a has been, although I tell them upfront I am out of the loop with most commercial ventures since I'm a one woman band now. There was a time when I worried that I was becoming obsolete in the illustration world. And now I turn jobs away becausue I have so much of my own work to sustain me financially and emotionally. I have no interest in awards shows, agent lists or trying to get published by so and so. I once did. It was draining.

I'd rather be with the peonies, and then do a painting. {And for the record, I paid my dues to get here}.