Apifera Farm - where art, story, animals & woman merge. Home to artist Katherine Dunn

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Monday, June 24, 2013

The end of the day

One of the things about being an artist and writer - for me anyway - is the need to share my feelings, thoughts, fears, and hopes. There is an internal quest it seems to capture one moment's essence, or a string of moments, so I can say,

"Look, isn't this beautiful, do you understand me?"

I spend my early evenings on the porch sharing wine with Martyn, talking about plans, or failures, new animals, and now memories of my mother or long ago family vacations. Sometimes there is music on, but more often there is not - instead I just listen to the fields and farm, an occasional truck miles away and sounds of Martyn making dinner. Cats come and go, and always, there is my view of Huck looking out on the front garden. This is one of the ways I'll always remember him and have taken this same photo so many times over the past 9 years.

I read another author's blog post yesterday about his thoughts on losing a good friend and he said there was no need to be sad about his death but instead he was going to spend the day celebrating the person's life - each time he thought of this person that day, he smiled. I am not opposed to that, and I'm sure his friend would want his living companions to carry on with life not mired in sadness about his passing. Everyone gets to grieve in their own way, dance their own beat, but, it kind of made me....irritated. I'm not sure why. Maybe I was being over analytical, it was not as if this person reached out just to me to say,

"Come on, there is nothing to be sad about with your mother's death."

But that's what it felt like. Words on the screen can do that. Words have power, or can be given power when one least means to give them power. I suppose my words have affected somebody in an irritable way without meaning to. I smile a lot all day, I laugh a lot, I am not weeping in the bushes. But I miss my mother's human presence and I am saddened by her death. I celebrate her life simply by breathing, but I am saddened by her death. I am not smiling at her memory right now - I miss her.


Anonymous said...

Oh Katherine I feel your pain every time you loose an animal friend and now your mom. Mine is 93 and I know one day soon I will be without her. No one loves you like your mom. At least you have your sweet Martin, I have yet to find mine. I keep looking for that special neighbor. You have cheered me up over the years and my fave are your Puppet movies.
Blessings, Susie

Katherine Dunn/Apifera Farm said...

Oh, aren't you sweet. I hope you find your Martyn...you will, it took me so many misteps and heart aches [and just plain bad dates!] and you are right, I often wonder what I would be doing through this without him. I am so lucky to have him as friend and companion. I hope your mom lives on in health for many more years! You are so right, that's the thing, no one loves me the same way as my mom.

Karen said...

Hi Katherine~ I am so sorry about the loss of your Mom....Mom's are our very essence and it is rightful for you to be sad and miss her so. I miss mine too...I no way could celebrate her life even after several years of her being gone from us.I celebrate the things she taught me and am grateful every day to know how to love books , bake, be nice...all that. But to celebrate? Nope. Her life is over this time around and I miss her...and that is that. We will mourn as we wish and celebrate as we wish...it's different for everyone. You enjoy the beautiful memories that you have, no matter how sad....they are beautiful!
Love your photos by the way, and your Art-WOW!

Mary Ann said...

I'm so sorry.

Carole Reid said...

No one can truly understand another's pain nor grief after a loved one dies. Everyone responds in their own way and time. You have are a gentle soul. You loved your mom. Take your time. xo Carole

Katherine Dunn/Apifera Farm said...

Thanks, Karen, well said. And to Mary Ann and Carole for stopping in. I have to just quit reading writers that sort of gripe me I think.

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Thank you for reading! The farm and my art/writing keep me hopping, so might not respond immediately. Thank you for understanding. ~Katherine & Apifera ~