I have been recovering from a huge mistake I made. I am going to write about it so it might help someone else. Back in February, when we accepted the offer from someone to buy our beloved farm, I had internal turmoil from the minute I met the buyer. There are many details I can not write on a public forum, but I will tell you that my body and internal instincts told me this buyer was not the person he said he was. He paraded around telling us he would care for our sheep and any animals we wanted to leave. With bravado he suggested iphones for us at closing but to me it felt shallow and made me realize he was a wheeler dealer. The second I shook his hand, I had a visceral reaction. But we accepted his offer. That was the day I made a deal with the devil.
All these past weeks, as we patiently waited for a close to come, my body was telling me-loudly-that this person was not worthy of this farm. But I would stuff it, telling myself not to be judgmental. My body reacted every time I had to deal with the buyer. I would have stomach aches, my right side became so tight I was having daily head aches. I was drinking a bit too much at night and going to bed early. I was having dreams of rescue attempts. I would wake at 3 am and cry silently into my pillow. I chalked it all up to the usual stress of a move.
The buyer made many blunders as the weeks passed, including having a shady lender from out of state-who went AWOL in the middle of the deal. Literally disappeared. I googled him. He was someone who had fled Canada for being a pedophile. My body shook. The more I discovered about the buyer's life in NYC, the more sick I became.
Because when you make a deal with the devil, you are not in a healthy relationship with yourself.
We allowed him an extension and he released his large earnest amount. We had after all found and bought our dream farm-pending a successful close here- in Maine and were anxious to leave. We had lots of money down-non refundable-for horse hauling. After the extension, he had a local lender, and I once again told myself 'all was well', but my animosity for him grew. I began to despise him. But what I really couldn't accept-yet-was I despised myself for letting my farm fall into his hands.
Every chore I did on the farm with my sheep I disconnected from them. I grew impatient with my flock. I told myself it was part of letting go.
Because when you make a deal with the devil, you convince yourself of all sorts of things.
As the new closing date of 4/15 approached, there were more signs Mr. Big was not who he said he was. He got stuck in underwriting. Because of the new lending laws, there is a mandatory 3 day period before you can close. If he didn't get out of underwriting by Tuesday 4/12, he would not be able to close, and we were not going to grant him an extension. On Tuesday night, he wrote us an email via his realtor telling us how much he was spiritually connected to the land. I spit at that screen, and deleted it.
And then, angels appeared. I am not using that word lightly. I believe angels were involved, as long as all my inner guides and upper guides. Friends of our good friends had loved our farm back when they first saw it online. They were disappointed it had already sold, but they continued to watch to see if it closed. Meanwhile they looked at many farms, and none compared to ours. Our mutual friend suggested they contact us, as she knew there was some trouble getting to closing.
So they came out, and we loved them. This depressed me even more, as we were in a binding contract with the Devil. While we knew he could not close with a loan by Friday, he could possibly close with his swarmy cash. He had many businesses he was running out of NYC and we legally would have had to let them buy the place if he had cash by 2pm Friday.
I reached out to my healer in Minneapolis, my spiritual guide and teacher who has helped me for years work with my own inner guides and abilities. My mistake was put into perfect words for me- I had made a deal with the devil, I was so eager to begin the next part of my dream that I ignored my relationship and responsibility with my current farm. I had fallen off my track, so impatient and eager to get to Maine.
Meanwhile the new buyers came out twice, and we hatched out a plan for them to buy our farm in a way that we could somehow not lose our Maine farm. I was back working with people that deserved my farm, I was working in 'right relationship' as my healer called it. We just needed to get past 2pm Friday to be free of the devil. At 1 pm Friday, I got word the buyer could not get cash. We were free. My body lifted.
I was given so many gifts of learning. Never, ever, lose your soul to something that you know instinctively violates your beliefs. Never give up your own heart to fulfill one dream if it works against everything you put into the last one. The fact these new buyers came at the moment they did, the fact the timing was what it was-it is as if it was all meant to be-for learning, for the preservation not only of my soul, but for this beautiful place, and my flock.
While we were still dealing with the devil, I told Martyn that when we did drive away from Apifera for the last time, I would leave the sheep in the upper barn, so I wouldn't be able to see them as we drove away. I thought that would be easier on my heart. But I realize now, that was my attempt to forget what I was about to do-leave my farm and flock in the hands of the devil himself. I didn't want to see what I was about to do, I was ashamed and I knew it was wrong. I sensed danger for my sheep but i kept making excuses.
The relief we both feel, knowing this great family will carry on here-yes, with my flock- is huge. I am so happy for them, and us. I sat with my flock yesterday and sobbed. I apologized to them and I told them of all my lessons. I know they don't hold a grudge, but when I look at their faces now, and all the land and living things here, I think how close I came to leaving it in the wrong hands.
I'm humbled by my error, but, also I walk away with new respect for the inner sensitivities I have, that I sometimes push away, due to impatience for a desired result. The devil loves to target such people because he is a manipulator.