Apifera Farm - where art, story, animals & woman merge. Home to artist Katherine Dunn

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©Katherine Dunn.

Sunday, March 27, 2016

I don't see me and I am fine

The lite in the morning is always so beautiful on the animals. The deep rich colors– almost black–of the coats this year is dramatic in morning light which is warmer than mid day light.

Everything is happening...fast, but slowly. I am breathing, and trying to go for walks. The rain should stop for a few days so I can get out more. In Minnesota I used to walk four miles almost every day, with my sidekick Louie Louie, the wire haired terrier. We'd hop in the car and drive ten minutes to one of the many city lakes. We'd walk in freezing temps too. There is something about walking in rain that has failed me, or I have failed it. I've put on good old fashioned middle aged lady weight, despite all my riding and barnyard work. It's the way it goes. Hormones and lack of them are a reality. My goals are to remain strong, and trim some blubber off my middle. That size 8-10 sprite I was at marriage is gone. I have become more used to it though-the saggy neck, the wiggle in my thighs. Hey, my butt is still small and somewhat firm, it's my best family genetic asset from my father. The body is my vehicle here, not my soul.

What does it have to do with morning light and the lambs? When I am outside busy, or just being in nature, I don't see me, I am not looking at me. I feel just fine as me. When I'm painting, I don't see me, I am just fine as me. In the past year or so I have become more acquainted with the chubbier, older me in the mirror. She is doing fine, as best she can. I don't judge the sagging backs of my elder animals or the jowels of my women or men peers. I remember their smiles when they leave my home, or their expressions and thoughts. It's the essence, not the physical matter that resonates.

Responding and interacting with the world does not require analyzing one's appearance, or pant size.

And in Maine, I will be walking again, daily. You can bet on that.

Easter is a beautiful celebration. I am not religious, but Easter to me is the best things a religion could present to the world–rebirth, renewal, change, and evolution to our higher selves.


leighkidd said...

I am so happy to hear your Ark is about to sail. Change is bittersweet I can attest to that. I'm looking forward to hearing tales of the adventure.
When I was a child we always took the train from Baltimore to Madison Wisconsin at Easter to visit my aunt, uncle and cousins who lived with their elderly grandparents. After the indoor egg hunt and the panic that ensued when the number came up short we departed. I was always handed a shoebox packed by the grandmother with small boxes of raisins and other treasures for diversion on the ride home on the train. You may need more than one shoebox for such a long trip but know my heart sends you all the shoeboxes you and Martyn and the misfits might need.

Bon Voyage

Unknown said...

I remember looking at a cat that was missing it's ears and thinking, "that cat isn't looking in the mirror thinking I need to call a plastic surgeon". The struggle to accept the changes of aging is not easy for me. But Im glad to hear you are philosophical.

Katherine Dunn/Apifera Farm said...

Leighwhat a wonderful memory she left you with for the rest of life...Elizabeth, I always sound good on these posts, don't I? But trust me, I struggle with it, but less os in the past year. I am shifting my focus to body strength, nt trying to force my body to stay young looking which is against nature, and whatever genetics we were born with. It seemed to happen in big shifts though [the physical appearance shifts I mean]

leighkidd said...

I often think about those Easter holidays. Sometimes with a few tee-hees about where the Easter eggs that were never found ended up and if the unique scent divulged their location.
Watch out for big shifts! All moves South as we get older and I don't mean Florida. I love my "fluffy" dog but worry about her apparent big shift and our mutual love of peanut butter. I've lost nearly three inches in height and that requires a recalibration on my part.
I hope you have a safe trip and stay healthy - all of you.

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Thank you for reading! The farm and my art/writing keep me hopping, so might not respond immediately. Thank you for understanding. ~Katherine & Apifera ~